So here we are - on the other side. God has once again brought me through my struggles (my valley) and shown me the light. For as much as I hate doubting myself, feeling depressed, despising things in my life and resenting certain other things - - I love that I am able to learn things from all that has happened.
First and foremost, my Faith remained strong - I never doubted that God would get me through - I just struggled with my end of it - control and resentment. Many times I tried to tell myself to give it all to God and I just couldn't let go of all of it. Not sure why but that was what kept holding me back. I know I have mentioned before that my Faith has grown during my journey to a NEW me and perhaps part of this was to prepare me for this. Having that strong Faith base certainly helped.
Second, I realized that God really does have a plan and that I just need to be open to listening. For as much as I didn't want the new job I got, there have been several situations where I just knew that I was right where God wanted me to be. It is so amazing to me how that works. I still wish at times that I was back to my "freedom" before the job, but I just keep telling myself that where I am is where I need to be right now.
I really don't like how I felt during the last few weeks - because it sure didn't feel like me. I prefer to try and keep the positive outlook and not let things get me down and keep me down. I really did struggle with that these last few weeks. Now that I am through, I am adding this to another life experience.
About the only time I felt okay was when I was on a long bike ride. I guess I know that God gave me those opportunities to escape (in a way) and try to work on things with Him while I was removed from the situation. It certainly helped. I was able to keep training for my big ride this coming weekend and have some great chats with God.
Looking back over the last 4 weeks, I can see how certain people and events were placed in my life to "shake things up" and also help get me through. I am so blessed with my family and friends. And so blessed to have such an incredible relationship with God. I believe that there is no other way I would be able to commit to my NEW lifestyle. God has given me such wonderful opportunities to improve my body, mind and spirit.
My friend and I have talked about valleys and mountains. I was in a deep valley and have finally found that mountainside that I need to climb - and I am more than ready!
Monday, April 30, 2012
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
God wants to drive and I won't let Him!
Two weeks ago, I blogged about God shaking up my life. Well the shaking up has certainly continued. I must have really been on cruise control to need this much shaking up. I went from top of the world on a Saturday after my 60 mile ride to the pits on Monday afternoon and even lower by Thursday. Even my 35 mile ride this past Saturday couldn't get me back to where I want to be. I have had a lot of situations at work lately that have left me so emotionally drained. When I mentioned that fact to a friend, he told me it is the control factor that I struggle with. Oh how right he is.
Control. Who is in control of my life? Well of course God is but perhaps I need a reminder of that. I do prefer to have my life go how I think it should. To be able to schedule my days my way. I like to work when I want and to work for who I want - which in the past has been such a blessing that I have a job that allows that. But my new job doesn't allow for that. I am there everyday - working with whomever they assign me too. I have had to give up my many volunteer commitments as well. No more reading buddies, no more popcorn parties, no more funeral luncheons. The things that I volunteer to do, I do because they make me happy. I feel so good about what I am doing in those situations. But that has been shut down for now. And I think this is where my struggle begins - RESENTMENT! I suppose part of my problem could just be that I am stubborn and don't like being told what to do. But after lots of prayers and a wonderful sermon this past Sunday, I have come to realize that my big problem is the resentment I have over how I came to have the job I am currently working and the loss of the job I liked.
Pastor Paul's sermon this past Sunday was titled The Power of Forgiveness. As I listened I thought, good sermon but it doesn't really apply to me right now. I didn't feel that anyone had wronged me - or that I really needed to forgive anyone for anything. And then he said "Think how wonderful you would feel if you would just let all that resentment go." Wham! Smack over the head. That was the word I was looking for to describe what I was feeling. So I perked up and listened to the rest of the sermon. He went on to say that even though you are holding a grudge, most of the time the person you are holding that grudge against doesn't even know it. So the only person you are really hurting is yourself. I honestly felt after that sermon that Pastor Paul was speaking just to me - that he knew what was going on in my heart and mind and the words I needed to hear.
And of course you are probably thinking that I said my prayers and it was a fairy tale Happy Ending. Sorry - my real life doesn't work that way. Yes I have prayed. Yes I have questioned God and talked to Him and yet I am still feeling resentment towards the job and a few people involved with it. So why have I not moved on?? Pretty sure it comes back to that control thing. I still think I should be able to be in control of my life and I am struggling to give it all over to God. God has used me so many times to help fix things in others' lives - why can't I fix myself? Even after asking for His help, I am not there. And so I continue to be frustrated with myself for not being able to give it up, a little depressed that I feel this way, confused by why I am struggling so much, questioning why things are happening like they are and why it can't all be made right with the prayers I have said.
I know my Faith has wavered a little but it is still there. I know that God will bring me through this and that is what I keep telling myself - but I realize I still haven't given it all over to Him. Apparently there is a little part of me that must want to "wallow in misery" for whatever reason. But I am ready to move on - I NEED to move on. I do not want to be this person that holds on to resentment and won't forgive. Basic Sunday School has taught me to forgive and to love. That will have to be my new commitment - to forgive and to love and to move on to where God leads me.
I will ask dear friends that you will say a prayer for me - that God will help me forgive and move on. He has put me in this job for a reason and I need to be open to what He has planned for me. I need to get back to feeling like the NEW Shari I have become - the one who wants to serve her God without question and who is willing to let Him be in Control!
Control. Who is in control of my life? Well of course God is but perhaps I need a reminder of that. I do prefer to have my life go how I think it should. To be able to schedule my days my way. I like to work when I want and to work for who I want - which in the past has been such a blessing that I have a job that allows that. But my new job doesn't allow for that. I am there everyday - working with whomever they assign me too. I have had to give up my many volunteer commitments as well. No more reading buddies, no more popcorn parties, no more funeral luncheons. The things that I volunteer to do, I do because they make me happy. I feel so good about what I am doing in those situations. But that has been shut down for now. And I think this is where my struggle begins - RESENTMENT! I suppose part of my problem could just be that I am stubborn and don't like being told what to do. But after lots of prayers and a wonderful sermon this past Sunday, I have come to realize that my big problem is the resentment I have over how I came to have the job I am currently working and the loss of the job I liked.
Pastor Paul's sermon this past Sunday was titled The Power of Forgiveness. As I listened I thought, good sermon but it doesn't really apply to me right now. I didn't feel that anyone had wronged me - or that I really needed to forgive anyone for anything. And then he said "Think how wonderful you would feel if you would just let all that resentment go." Wham! Smack over the head. That was the word I was looking for to describe what I was feeling. So I perked up and listened to the rest of the sermon. He went on to say that even though you are holding a grudge, most of the time the person you are holding that grudge against doesn't even know it. So the only person you are really hurting is yourself. I honestly felt after that sermon that Pastor Paul was speaking just to me - that he knew what was going on in my heart and mind and the words I needed to hear.
And of course you are probably thinking that I said my prayers and it was a fairy tale Happy Ending. Sorry - my real life doesn't work that way. Yes I have prayed. Yes I have questioned God and talked to Him and yet I am still feeling resentment towards the job and a few people involved with it. So why have I not moved on?? Pretty sure it comes back to that control thing. I still think I should be able to be in control of my life and I am struggling to give it all over to God. God has used me so many times to help fix things in others' lives - why can't I fix myself? Even after asking for His help, I am not there. And so I continue to be frustrated with myself for not being able to give it up, a little depressed that I feel this way, confused by why I am struggling so much, questioning why things are happening like they are and why it can't all be made right with the prayers I have said.
I know my Faith has wavered a little but it is still there. I know that God will bring me through this and that is what I keep telling myself - but I realize I still haven't given it all over to Him. Apparently there is a little part of me that must want to "wallow in misery" for whatever reason. But I am ready to move on - I NEED to move on. I do not want to be this person that holds on to resentment and won't forgive. Basic Sunday School has taught me to forgive and to love. That will have to be my new commitment - to forgive and to love and to move on to where God leads me.
I will ask dear friends that you will say a prayer for me - that God will help me forgive and move on. He has put me in this job for a reason and I need to be open to what He has planned for me. I need to get back to feeling like the NEW Shari I have become - the one who wants to serve her God without question and who is willing to let Him be in Control!
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Time to Shake it UP
Oh what a roller coaster I have been on the last few weeks. Water in the basement, brakes failing on the car, sewer line repair work, new job, truck that won't run, death of a good friend, fired from a job, sick dog - I am sure there is more but you get the idea. It seems like every day something else "bad" happens. Bad might be too strong a word but life hasn't been it's usual smooth sailing style lately.
To add to the mix, I am still doing a 90 day weight loss challenge and to my dismay the pounds aren't just melting off (like they do on Biggest Loser!!!) So I met with the train for a quick 5 minute check in and asked for some strategies to get the weight loss going. He praised me for my dedication and the fact that I am a work horse - I just keep plugging through my workouts. And therein lies my problem. I don't jump start my body at any time. I have never tried the interval training idea. I just like to challenge myself in time/pounds/miles. So he suggested that I start interval training a couple of days a week to "shock my body".
That suggestion got me wondering if that is what God is doing to my Faith and my Spirit. Time to shock them a little - shake things up. I love how my Faith has grown during this journey but perhaps I have fallen into a rut of sorts. Am I stuck praying for the same people? Have I been actively looking for new opportunities to minister to others? Have I decided that I am good enough where I am at? Well Yes, No and Yes - I guess. I do have family and friends that I pray for on a regular basis. But what is to stop me from picking random people to pray for - or to seek those who might be in need of prayer? I have been so wrapped up in the negative things that have been happening to me that I have not made that conscious effort to seek new ways to minister to others. And yes I think I have become comfortable where I am at - my life seemed just peachy a few weeks ago.
So God - in His infinite wisdom - is shaking up my life for me. And honestly - it hasn't been horrible. Yes I have grumbled more than I would like, cried more than I would like, felt anger and frustration that perhaps weren't exactly justified. But when I look over all that has happened the last few weeks - it could have been a lot worse. I suppose Dana and I will be pinching pennies a little tighter for a few more months to cover the expenses that have come up but we will get through just fine.
On the day we found out about the cost of the sewer work, I was given a job at school for the rest of the year. Not a job I was thrilled to have - but an obvious sign that God was giving me the opportunity to earn some money to pay that bill. And perhaps work in a young girls life in a positive manner. Dana has been given many opportunities to work overtime lately - that will help. Unfortunately I was "laid off" from one of my jobs this week. As nice as it would be to have that money still coming in - the stress of working three part time jobs right now with Dana's schedule and overtime was really starting to wear on me. So how can I not believe that God had a hand in giving me the opportunity for a little "Shari/Sheba Time - or sanity time".
Each day that something happened, there has be some kind of sign to remind me that God has a plan. I need not worry - all will be taken care of. My favorite reminder of God's love is when a student at school calls out "Miss Shari" and runs over to give me a hug. At that moment, I can feel God's Love and know that at some point I have made a positive connection with this child. God uses me in their lives and uses them in my life. During the last few weeks these moments have been extra special - and extra important reminders that money isn't everything. Yes we need it - but if we have Faith - God will provide. It is the love of others and our ability to show love to others that is important.
I may still grumble as things happen - I am only human after all. But I am so grateful that God has brought me as far as He has in my Faith so that I can take a step back physically and mentally and allow His plan to continue. It isn't up to me to Shake Things Up - it's all UP to Him!
To add to the mix, I am still doing a 90 day weight loss challenge and to my dismay the pounds aren't just melting off (like they do on Biggest Loser!!!) So I met with the train for a quick 5 minute check in and asked for some strategies to get the weight loss going. He praised me for my dedication and the fact that I am a work horse - I just keep plugging through my workouts. And therein lies my problem. I don't jump start my body at any time. I have never tried the interval training idea. I just like to challenge myself in time/pounds/miles. So he suggested that I start interval training a couple of days a week to "shock my body".
That suggestion got me wondering if that is what God is doing to my Faith and my Spirit. Time to shock them a little - shake things up. I love how my Faith has grown during this journey but perhaps I have fallen into a rut of sorts. Am I stuck praying for the same people? Have I been actively looking for new opportunities to minister to others? Have I decided that I am good enough where I am at? Well Yes, No and Yes - I guess. I do have family and friends that I pray for on a regular basis. But what is to stop me from picking random people to pray for - or to seek those who might be in need of prayer? I have been so wrapped up in the negative things that have been happening to me that I have not made that conscious effort to seek new ways to minister to others. And yes I think I have become comfortable where I am at - my life seemed just peachy a few weeks ago.
So God - in His infinite wisdom - is shaking up my life for me. And honestly - it hasn't been horrible. Yes I have grumbled more than I would like, cried more than I would like, felt anger and frustration that perhaps weren't exactly justified. But when I look over all that has happened the last few weeks - it could have been a lot worse. I suppose Dana and I will be pinching pennies a little tighter for a few more months to cover the expenses that have come up but we will get through just fine.
On the day we found out about the cost of the sewer work, I was given a job at school for the rest of the year. Not a job I was thrilled to have - but an obvious sign that God was giving me the opportunity to earn some money to pay that bill. And perhaps work in a young girls life in a positive manner. Dana has been given many opportunities to work overtime lately - that will help. Unfortunately I was "laid off" from one of my jobs this week. As nice as it would be to have that money still coming in - the stress of working three part time jobs right now with Dana's schedule and overtime was really starting to wear on me. So how can I not believe that God had a hand in giving me the opportunity for a little "Shari/Sheba Time - or sanity time".
Each day that something happened, there has be some kind of sign to remind me that God has a plan. I need not worry - all will be taken care of. My favorite reminder of God's love is when a student at school calls out "Miss Shari" and runs over to give me a hug. At that moment, I can feel God's Love and know that at some point I have made a positive connection with this child. God uses me in their lives and uses them in my life. During the last few weeks these moments have been extra special - and extra important reminders that money isn't everything. Yes we need it - but if we have Faith - God will provide. It is the love of others and our ability to show love to others that is important.
I may still grumble as things happen - I am only human after all. But I am so grateful that God has brought me as far as He has in my Faith so that I can take a step back physically and mentally and allow His plan to continue. It isn't up to me to Shake Things Up - it's all UP to Him!
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)