New Balance. Not just a pair of shoes anymore

New Balance.  I am starting to think that should be my new motto.  I need to find a new balance in my life.  It has been almost two weeks since my MS150 ride and I am still trying to motivate myself in certain areas of my life.  I can set a physical challenge, I work hard and train hard to accomplish that challenge, finish my challenge (maybe not exactly how I had hoped) and then I sit back and analyze what worked and didn't work.  What I am finding is that I tend to dwell on what isn't working and that brings me down.

My NEW Shari journey has been so successful in regards to the physical aspect.  For whatever reason this week, I have received numerous compliments on how I look - that my physical appearance has changed enough for people to notice and that is great. I think that anyone working to improve their health needs positive reinforcement from time to time to keep that motivation going. But I have also received compliments on my determination and commitment.  Regulars at the health club notice that I am there every morning, putting in my workout and pushing my body.  If I miss a day, they know that it is because I am out biking on Sheba - so still working out and pushing, just not at the club. One man asked me how my MS150 ride went and when I finished telling him about that ride and the rides I have planned, he commented "I can see how happy your new hobby makes you.  I am so glad that you found something to make you happy." I guess we can say that the physical part of my journey is still on the positive side.

My journey has also brought me so far in my Faith. I never thought that working out could pump up your Faith - but that is what is happening with me.  I am not sure exactly how it works but I know that God is using my time at the health club, my time out biking, my time talking about my journey - to share His love and compassion with others.  Perhaps it is a little self confidence I have gained from working out that has enabled me to share my Faith with others, to not shy away from opportunities to help when I feel it is needed, to offer encouragement and prayers when I see others struggle - to start working  on becoming that Christian I want and need to be.

Now to where I need to find that NEW Balance - my mental health. How can I work so hard on improving my physical health and my spiritual health and spend so much time getting down on myself mentally??  I know that it takes a lot of work to find balance in your life - and that right now is my biggest struggle.  My domestic life has taken a backseat to all the other changes in my life and I have yet to find a way to make that a priority again - well maybe not even a priority but just a regular part of life.  I have no real motivation to don the apron and whip out the mop bucket.  Why oh why can't my house just clean itself?  Or why can't my two able bodied children chip in with the daily household chores without whining and arguing?  Honestly I feel like a horrible mother because all I seem to do is nag, nag, nag and eventually yell to get simple chores done.  That leads me to doubting my capabilities as a mother - if I can't get them to empty the dishwasher or throw their clothes down the laundry chute, how can I believe that they are listening to anything I say to them? There have been many times lately where I have just given up and walked away.  Another notch in the negative belt - I can't even deal with my kids and dirty dishes.  I know the world won't end because there are dirty dishes in the sink - but I am trying to teach my kids basic life skills that will hopefully lead them to becoming decent adults.  I know they aren't bad kids but just a little respect would go a long way to helping me feel better about the being the mom I want to be.

 Along with my parenting doubts go the feelings that I am not exactly the wife that my husband was hoping for.  I know that I use the excuse that his night shift work makes it difficult to function as a couple in the normal sense - some days it feels like we are more like roommates then a married couple.  And I do know that part of my struggle is his shift.  But when I analyze my doubts, part of it comes back to me wanting to succeed at my weight loss and physical challenges and I seem to find it really hard to give up my morning me time to work on anything else.  I really don't understand why that is so hard - except that I struggle with wanting to be in control - I have had some great "chats" with God about this and I am working on it.  I am grateful that he has been so supportive of my NEW journey and that he is patient with me.  I admit that I miss the days when we both worked the same basic shift and had the time for long walks through the park, or working together on projects or even just doing the weekly cleaning.  I also know that we will get back to some kind of normal life eventually.  And for now I need to work on making that time to spend with him - even if it is just 15 minutes before he leaves for work - to reconnect, to talk and to let him know that I love him.  I guess sometimes it is baby steps to finding that balance.

Once again I am finding that thinking I was just going to work out and lose some weight has led to so many more mental challenges than I could have ever imagined.  I know that God knows what He is doing and He is in control of this NEW journey.  As much as I would love to know the ultimate outcome - will I ever reach my goal?  How many challenges will I set and accomplish?  Will my son ever put his dirty socks down the chute and not in the couch cushions? - I am thankful for what I have experienced so far and the lessons I have learned.  NEW Balance - sounds like something worth striving for - and not just another pair of shoes.