That's right - I want a billboard just for me. It seems that I need God to throw a billboard up right in front of me to let me know what He wants me to do with my life right now. I feel that I am somewhat incapable of making any decisions at the moment.
My husband and I have been talking about replacing our vehicles. I have a 14 year old Stratus - great little car but won't pull a camper. His Tahoe has seen better days and he commutes to work so the cost of gas is an issue. My dream may come true soon - an F150 Crew Cab, short box!! Perfect for towing the camper. But to make that dream happen --- I need to find a "real job". Not that I haven't been working - but all the jobs I have had in the last few years are very very part time or substitute jobs - no real regular hours. Honestly I feel so blessed that I have been able to work these jobs while staying home to raise my kids. And God has provided these jobs when they were needed - to boost the income a little or give me some sanity. But nothing I am doing right now will cover the cost of my truck.
So here I am looking for a job with more hours or better pay and I am stressing over everything else in my life. I don't mind working but I love it when I am in control of when I work. Part of that is that I also LOVE to volunteer and find that doing that brings me more joy than working. But it doesn't pay the bills. I have rationalized over the past few years that God has given me the opportunity to volunteer because so many parents can't and so I can fill that void at the schools. I am a giver and giving of my time and compassion is so rewarding - the thought of losing that saddens me. If I am working 30 hours a week, will I still have time for a volunteer outlet that makes me happy?? Probably not.
I also worry about how our household will hold up. I know that there are millions of working women who can still maintain a decent home life - I however struggle to get my son to put his dirty socks down the chute on a daily basis. I wonder if my children are ready to step up to the plate and help out more with the household duties - and without having to be reminded several times. When my husband went to nights and I moved my workouts to the early morning, we lost that Saturday cleaning day routine and it really has been a struggle to find any type of routine. I seem to hope that some solution will magically present itself on the cleaning front but it hasn't happened yet.
One of my other concerns is I wonder if I can really do the day in day out work routine. I left my last regular part time job 11 1/2 years ago. I had that job for 12 years and loved it. But I also didn't have 3 other people that depended on me. Will I be able to balance work and workouts and church and extracurricular activities? Will I be able to keep my sanity? Will I still be a good wife and mother at home and a good employee and coworker at my new job?
Funny thing is - I have only applied for one job so far and I am stressing over every detail and all the what - ifs. So tonight I tried to reign in that worry and give it to God. I had an MRI tonight and spent 30 minutes in the tube. I found that it was the perfect opportunity to talk to God about my worries, concerns and to work on some solutions. First we had to deal with my claustrophobia and force myself to keep my eyes shut so I wouldn't freak out. So strange how I can take off on my bike for 85 miles and not have a care in the world but put me in an MRI tube and my brain freaks out. I made it thru and came out feeling somewhat better about my situation.
First thing - I need to apply for a few more jobs. I need to stop worrying about the what-ifs and let God help me when a problem or concern really does arise. I also need to stop being such a chicken about change. Change is good. Time to step out of my comfort zone. The kids are getting older and they can shoulder some more responsibility. My house is going to have a great "lived in" look for a while. I have proven to myself that I have the discipline to get up early for my workouts and I can continue to do that - and if needed I can change the time as well - but I will not give up my "ME" time. I have had a good run of volunteer opportunities and who can say that another great one won't show up.
So here I am trying to let go of all my worries, fears, concerns and most of all - my control. I am still amazed that along my NEW journey I am so much more aware of little signs from God that lead me to pray for others or act to help them but when it comes to my own life I must be the densest person. So I am sending up prayers to God for some direction. I still think it would just be a lot simpler for Him just to set up that big billboard with His plans for me!!
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