I am not a TV hound. I have cut way back on the amount of television I watch. There are really only 3 shows I like to watch but if I miss them - which I do fairly often- it isn't a big deal. I do find however that when a new season of Biggest Loser comes on, I try to make more of an effort to catch the episodes. But I don't like to watch the whole two hours. My children have heard me say more than once that I don't need to see the drama - during the first hour - all the crying and yelling and "I can't and I hate". I guess I am not big on drama. I prefer to just watch the weigh in and see how they did during the week.
Last night as I watched the season wind down I realized that I have been in my own weight loss drama. Of course it isn't being broadcast to millions of viewers on TV. For the most part it has been stuck in my head. Watching the scale creep up the last few weeks has really brought me down mentally. I have upped my workouts to twice a day - finding that I am functioning better as a mom and wife if I go to the club after school and work out some of my frustration from the day. I still go in the morning before school to clear my head and wake up my body so I am ready for my very active day. I have told myself that yes it is possible that I have added muscle - but most likely not 12 pounds in 3 weeks. I have also told myself that my body is retaining some water because I have been pushing it more. That is entirely possible too. I haven't changed my diet - still working on the healthy eating, portion control and keeping my pop consumption down. So I have to wonder what is really going on.
Of course if I was able to put my home life on hold and have a personal trainer and a nutritionist at my beckon call 24/7 - I am sure I could drop double digits each week. But this is real life. And I am doing my best at what I think will work for me. There are have only been a handful of times when I have dreaded working out. For the most part I am still excited at the challenges each day can bring and look forward to that push - where my mind says "no" but my body says "here we go!"
As I was swimming today - to relieve a lot of frustration - I got to thinking about part of my current struggle. I saw a picture of myself recently and was amazed at how much it differed from the image I have of myself in my head. When I am working out I feel so strong and lean and I guess I believe that my body is reflecting that feeling. But then I see a picture -and realize that is how others see me - and I am disappointed in my appearance. As I look at a picture I can still see the lumps and bumps and the thick calves and the jiggly arms and the fact that I am not as fit and trim as I would like to be.
I have been on my NEW Journey since July 2010 - and for the inches lost and the pounds shed, there are times I still feel like I have accomplished nothing. Why after all the time I have put in at the gym and the challenges I have faced do I not weigh 150 pounds?? Why now, when I am increasing my workout time (which I have done before), am I putting on 12 pounds?? There are so many more questions and at times so much self doubt. And yet there are times where I am so proud of what I have accomplished and who I have become.
Maybe I should go on Biggest Loser and get my own trainer and let the world see my struggles. I think the better option will be to continue on my NEW Journey, keep my Faith in God and know that all my "Drama" is bringing me closer to who He wants me to be. And for that I am so thankful. Of course if I lost a few pounds in the next few weeks that would certainly help keep me from becoming a Drama Queen!!!
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Monday, March 4, 2013
A dozen years under her belt.
My daughter turned 12 this weekend. It is hard to believe that she can be that old but the calendar doesn't lie. It was fun to watch her plan her party and celebrate with her friends. They are an incredible group of young women and I am so happy for her and where she is in her life.
We received a letter in the mail from the health club, informing us of the need to upgrade her membership to a Junior Member when she turns 12. She was so excited - even asking if we could go on her birthday to workout. She can now join me in the lap pool and on the fitness floor with all the machines. She can also take classes with me - she is excited to try Yoga. Her excitement at the prospect of working out made me so proud. There was a time, not so long ago, where a focus on fitness did not exist in our house.
As I have experienced my NEW journey I have told myself many times that I am not doing this just for me. I don't want my children to go down the same path that I did. I hit puberty, we got cable - and I sat and watched TV. Of course that led to many additional pounds finding their way onto my body - and they are very reluctant to leave. I know that there are many things that I feel I missed out on because of my weight. Not to mention self esteem issues, social awkwardness, shyness - opportunities to participate in things but I was just too big. I have made it my mission to help my children avoid this experience.
My daughter has been one of my biggest cheerleaders as I push myself to workout each day. I don't keep my challenges a secret with the hope that they will see me set a challenge, work towards it and hopefully succeed. There are times where I don't accomplish what I set out to - and I want my children to see that too. It is okay to fail at times. But DON'T GIVE UP! And more importantly - BELIEVE IN YOURSELF! I never thought I could run a mile. Or ride a bike around the block. But here I am - up to 2 miles (if I really push) jogging on the treadmill and able to bike 100 miles in 8 hours. Yes there are still times where I have to pinch myself to believe it is really me doing what I do in my workouts. I look back at when I couldn't ride my bike around the block without stopping to catch my breath. Now there are times where I have to bump up the resistance some more because it feels too easy.
I am also honest with my daughter about my struggles with my weight - and the dreaded scale. She has been in with me when I am weighing myself and I still grumble about the fact that the scale doesn't move as much as I think it should. She is the first one to remind me that muscle weighs more than fat and to look at how many inches I have lost and how my body has changed. I have a picture on the fridge from July 2010 to help remind me of the changes I have made in my physical appearance. It is scary to look at sometimes and realize that I had gotten to that point.
My daughter has also been near as I have talked about the mental struggles. Weight loss or lack thereof, challenges, self doubt, stress - all the things that go along not only with exercise and weight loss but life in general - all of these things contribute to the mental games I play with myself. I hope that she sees that it is okay to struggle but it is also okay to find someone to talk to. Even if they aren't experiencing what you are, sometimes you just need to say it out loud to someone and get their perspective on your issue.
One thing about my daughter that really, really makes me proud is the way she lives her Faith life. She is not afraid to share with everyone and anyone about her devotion to God. She has demonstrated many times her love of God in her acts of service to others. I accepted Christ in 2nd grade but it wasn't until my NEW journey began 2 1/2 years ago that I really saw my Faith grow. I feel that I understand more how God uses me and I am so much more open to listening to Him. My daughter has seen this and even commented on it to me. She is following in my footsteps but also foraging her own path with God.
12 years old and she already seems light years ahead of me at that age. I hope that my lifestyle change and dedication to becoming a better me continue to provide a positive role model for her. It is hard to look back at how I lived my life at that age - and realize all the things I did wrong and that I have to work so hard to fix now. I believe that she is off to a great start to avoid those same pitfalls. I am continually amazed at how my NEW journey has affected so many people in my life - it is after all MY journey - but God is using my experiences in so many ways - and I am so thankful that He is.
We received a letter in the mail from the health club, informing us of the need to upgrade her membership to a Junior Member when she turns 12. She was so excited - even asking if we could go on her birthday to workout. She can now join me in the lap pool and on the fitness floor with all the machines. She can also take classes with me - she is excited to try Yoga. Her excitement at the prospect of working out made me so proud. There was a time, not so long ago, where a focus on fitness did not exist in our house.
As I have experienced my NEW journey I have told myself many times that I am not doing this just for me. I don't want my children to go down the same path that I did. I hit puberty, we got cable - and I sat and watched TV. Of course that led to many additional pounds finding their way onto my body - and they are very reluctant to leave. I know that there are many things that I feel I missed out on because of my weight. Not to mention self esteem issues, social awkwardness, shyness - opportunities to participate in things but I was just too big. I have made it my mission to help my children avoid this experience.
My daughter has been one of my biggest cheerleaders as I push myself to workout each day. I don't keep my challenges a secret with the hope that they will see me set a challenge, work towards it and hopefully succeed. There are times where I don't accomplish what I set out to - and I want my children to see that too. It is okay to fail at times. But DON'T GIVE UP! And more importantly - BELIEVE IN YOURSELF! I never thought I could run a mile. Or ride a bike around the block. But here I am - up to 2 miles (if I really push) jogging on the treadmill and able to bike 100 miles in 8 hours. Yes there are still times where I have to pinch myself to believe it is really me doing what I do in my workouts. I look back at when I couldn't ride my bike around the block without stopping to catch my breath. Now there are times where I have to bump up the resistance some more because it feels too easy.
I am also honest with my daughter about my struggles with my weight - and the dreaded scale. She has been in with me when I am weighing myself and I still grumble about the fact that the scale doesn't move as much as I think it should. She is the first one to remind me that muscle weighs more than fat and to look at how many inches I have lost and how my body has changed. I have a picture on the fridge from July 2010 to help remind me of the changes I have made in my physical appearance. It is scary to look at sometimes and realize that I had gotten to that point.
My daughter has also been near as I have talked about the mental struggles. Weight loss or lack thereof, challenges, self doubt, stress - all the things that go along not only with exercise and weight loss but life in general - all of these things contribute to the mental games I play with myself. I hope that she sees that it is okay to struggle but it is also okay to find someone to talk to. Even if they aren't experiencing what you are, sometimes you just need to say it out loud to someone and get their perspective on your issue.
One thing about my daughter that really, really makes me proud is the way she lives her Faith life. She is not afraid to share with everyone and anyone about her devotion to God. She has demonstrated many times her love of God in her acts of service to others. I accepted Christ in 2nd grade but it wasn't until my NEW journey began 2 1/2 years ago that I really saw my Faith grow. I feel that I understand more how God uses me and I am so much more open to listening to Him. My daughter has seen this and even commented on it to me. She is following in my footsteps but also foraging her own path with God.
12 years old and she already seems light years ahead of me at that age. I hope that my lifestyle change and dedication to becoming a better me continue to provide a positive role model for her. It is hard to look back at how I lived my life at that age - and realize all the things I did wrong and that I have to work so hard to fix now. I believe that she is off to a great start to avoid those same pitfalls. I am continually amazed at how my NEW journey has affected so many people in my life - it is after all MY journey - but God is using my experiences in so many ways - and I am so thankful that He is.
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Patience Grasshopper!
This evening I posted on Facebook that I learned 2 things about myself today. 1. I don't have the finger strength to be a graffiti artist. 2. I don't have the patience to put together models. So as I am chuckling to myself while assembling the model cruise ship for our church banquet, I started to question why I don't have much patience for that activity.
In October I started working as a Special Education para. I was moved to 4 different positions in three months before I was officially hired. I discovered there were some kids that I could handle and some that I had no patience for. There are certain behaviors that I struggle with accepting. I am constantly reminding myself that everyone is different and that society has changed so much since I was growing up that kids have a lot more to deal with. But some things still can't be excused.
I am currently working with 2 autistic boys. Yes they can be challenging at times. And absolutely delightful at other times. I am learning what triggers a meltdown and what I can use as a reward. We have our share of good and bad days - and yet the good days are coming more frequently. I am physically exhausted most days - we tend to be on the go a lot. But I find that I really am happy when I am working. I have found a job that I really enjoy - there is never a dull moment that's for sure.
A few people have made that comment that it takes a special person with a lot of patience to do my job. I agree. But why do I have patience to deal with kicking, screaming, running, defiance, anger,etc, --coming from a 6 year old - but I can't sit for an hour and paint and assemble a wooden model ship??? Why? Because God knows where He wants me and what I need to do His work. I don't see how anyone will benefit from me putting together a model ship. But the ability to work with a student through a meltdown and help them regroup afterwards -or to help them navigate a mainstream class - that has it's rewards for both of us.
I suppose it would be a lot easier if God would just give us a list of our strengths and weaknesses. Or a checklist of jobs that would be good for us. But where would the fun be in that??? And how would we learn anything about ourselves? Life is all about taking chances, trying new things, stepping outside our box. And with that we find somethings are not meant for us - like building model ships. I can cross that one off my list. So glad that I had the opportunity to find something that I do have the patience for. I may pray daily that God continues to give me that patience as needed - but it seems to come naturally when I am doing something I love. And I do love my job.
In October I started working as a Special Education para. I was moved to 4 different positions in three months before I was officially hired. I discovered there were some kids that I could handle and some that I had no patience for. There are certain behaviors that I struggle with accepting. I am constantly reminding myself that everyone is different and that society has changed so much since I was growing up that kids have a lot more to deal with. But some things still can't be excused.
I am currently working with 2 autistic boys. Yes they can be challenging at times. And absolutely delightful at other times. I am learning what triggers a meltdown and what I can use as a reward. We have our share of good and bad days - and yet the good days are coming more frequently. I am physically exhausted most days - we tend to be on the go a lot. But I find that I really am happy when I am working. I have found a job that I really enjoy - there is never a dull moment that's for sure.
A few people have made that comment that it takes a special person with a lot of patience to do my job. I agree. But why do I have patience to deal with kicking, screaming, running, defiance, anger,etc, --coming from a 6 year old - but I can't sit for an hour and paint and assemble a wooden model ship??? Why? Because God knows where He wants me and what I need to do His work. I don't see how anyone will benefit from me putting together a model ship. But the ability to work with a student through a meltdown and help them regroup afterwards -or to help them navigate a mainstream class - that has it's rewards for both of us.
I suppose it would be a lot easier if God would just give us a list of our strengths and weaknesses. Or a checklist of jobs that would be good for us. But where would the fun be in that??? And how would we learn anything about ourselves? Life is all about taking chances, trying new things, stepping outside our box. And with that we find somethings are not meant for us - like building model ships. I can cross that one off my list. So glad that I had the opportunity to find something that I do have the patience for. I may pray daily that God continues to give me that patience as needed - but it seems to come naturally when I am doing something I love. And I do love my job.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)