I am not a TV hound. I have cut way back on the amount of television I watch. There are really only 3 shows I like to watch but if I miss them - which I do fairly often- it isn't a big deal. I do find however that when a new season of Biggest Loser comes on, I try to make more of an effort to catch the episodes. But I don't like to watch the whole two hours. My children have heard me say more than once that I don't need to see the drama - during the first hour - all the crying and yelling and "I can't and I hate". I guess I am not big on drama. I prefer to just watch the weigh in and see how they did during the week.
Last night as I watched the season wind down I realized that I have been in my own weight loss drama. Of course it isn't being broadcast to millions of viewers on TV. For the most part it has been stuck in my head. Watching the scale creep up the last few weeks has really brought me down mentally. I have upped my workouts to twice a day - finding that I am functioning better as a mom and wife if I go to the club after school and work out some of my frustration from the day. I still go in the morning before school to clear my head and wake up my body so I am ready for my very active day. I have told myself that yes it is possible that I have added muscle - but most likely not 12 pounds in 3 weeks. I have also told myself that my body is retaining some water because I have been pushing it more. That is entirely possible too. I haven't changed my diet - still working on the healthy eating, portion control and keeping my pop consumption down. So I have to wonder what is really going on.
Of course if I was able to put my home life on hold and have a personal trainer and a nutritionist at my beckon call 24/7 - I am sure I could drop double digits each week. But this is real life. And I am doing my best at what I think will work for me. There are have only been a handful of times when I have dreaded working out. For the most part I am still excited at the challenges each day can bring and look forward to that push - where my mind says "no" but my body says "here we go!"
As I was swimming today - to relieve a lot of frustration - I got to thinking about part of my current struggle. I saw a picture of myself recently and was amazed at how much it differed from the image I have of myself in my head. When I am working out I feel so strong and lean and I guess I believe that my body is reflecting that feeling. But then I see a picture -and realize that is how others see me - and I am disappointed in my appearance. As I look at a picture I can still see the lumps and bumps and the thick calves and the jiggly arms and the fact that I am not as fit and trim as I would like to be.
I have been on my NEW Journey since July 2010 - and for the inches lost and the pounds shed, there are times I still feel like I have accomplished nothing. Why after all the time I have put in at the gym and the challenges I have faced do I not weigh 150 pounds?? Why now, when I am increasing my workout time (which I have done before), am I putting on 12 pounds?? There are so many more questions and at times so much self doubt. And yet there are times where I am so proud of what I have accomplished and who I have become.
Maybe I should go on Biggest Loser and get my own trainer and let the world see my struggles. I think the better option will be to continue on my NEW Journey, keep my Faith in God and know that all my "Drama" is bringing me closer to who He wants me to be. And for that I am so thankful. Of course if I lost a few pounds in the next few weeks that would certainly help keep me from becoming a Drama Queen!!!
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