Two weeks ago, I blogged about God shaking up my life. Well the shaking up has certainly continued. I must have really been on cruise control to need this much shaking up. I went from top of the world on a Saturday after my 60 mile ride to the pits on Monday afternoon and even lower by Thursday. Even my 35 mile ride this past Saturday couldn't get me back to where I want to be. I have had a lot of situations at work lately that have left me so emotionally drained. When I mentioned that fact to a friend, he told me it is the control factor that I struggle with. Oh how right he is.
Control. Who is in control of my life? Well of course God is but perhaps I need a reminder of that. I do prefer to have my life go how I think it should. To be able to schedule my days my way. I like to work when I want and to work for who I want - which in the past has been such a blessing that I have a job that allows that. But my new job doesn't allow for that. I am there everyday - working with whomever they assign me too. I have had to give up my many volunteer commitments as well. No more reading buddies, no more popcorn parties, no more funeral luncheons. The things that I volunteer to do, I do because they make me happy. I feel so good about what I am doing in those situations. But that has been shut down for now. And I think this is where my struggle begins - RESENTMENT! I suppose part of my problem could just be that I am stubborn and don't like being told what to do. But after lots of prayers and a wonderful sermon this past Sunday, I have come to realize that my big problem is the resentment I have over how I came to have the job I am currently working and the loss of the job I liked.
Pastor Paul's sermon this past Sunday was titled The Power of Forgiveness. As I listened I thought, good sermon but it doesn't really apply to me right now. I didn't feel that anyone had wronged me - or that I really needed to forgive anyone for anything. And then he said "Think how wonderful you would feel if you would just let all that resentment go." Wham! Smack over the head. That was the word I was looking for to describe what I was feeling. So I perked up and listened to the rest of the sermon. He went on to say that even though you are holding a grudge, most of the time the person you are holding that grudge against doesn't even know it. So the only person you are really hurting is yourself. I honestly felt after that sermon that Pastor Paul was speaking just to me - that he knew what was going on in my heart and mind and the words I needed to hear.
And of course you are probably thinking that I said my prayers and it was a fairy tale Happy Ending. Sorry - my real life doesn't work that way. Yes I have prayed. Yes I have questioned God and talked to Him and yet I am still feeling resentment towards the job and a few people involved with it. So why have I not moved on?? Pretty sure it comes back to that control thing. I still think I should be able to be in control of my life and I am struggling to give it all over to God. God has used me so many times to help fix things in others' lives - why can't I fix myself? Even after asking for His help, I am not there. And so I continue to be frustrated with myself for not being able to give it up, a little depressed that I feel this way, confused by why I am struggling so much, questioning why things are happening like they are and why it can't all be made right with the prayers I have said.
I know my Faith has wavered a little but it is still there. I know that God will bring me through this and that is what I keep telling myself - but I realize I still haven't given it all over to Him. Apparently there is a little part of me that must want to "wallow in misery" for whatever reason. But I am ready to move on - I NEED to move on. I do not want to be this person that holds on to resentment and won't forgive. Basic Sunday School has taught me to forgive and to love. That will have to be my new commitment - to forgive and to love and to move on to where God leads me.
I will ask dear friends that you will say a prayer for me - that God will help me forgive and move on. He has put me in this job for a reason and I need to be open to what He has planned for me. I need to get back to feeling like the NEW Shari I have become - the one who wants to serve her God without question and who is willing to let Him be in Control!
I suppose it's time to talk about acceptance for what you cannot change, and for what has been given to you. You are right where GOD needs you, where that young man really needs you. Imagine who would be stepping in to help talk him down/out/back?? He needs your spirit. You have been BLESSED to be able to volunteer where you felt the need, guess GOD is in control now and is ready to use you. I know, the way you got there is a difficult pill to swallow, that's the piece you need to accept and let go. And you will do it.
ReplyDeletePeace.
Shari,
ReplyDeleteWe have all felt the resentment and inability to forgive... You are right...God will lead you if you just let him! I can't wait to ride with you. Also remember all the blessings you do have! Your life, your children, your friends, your church, your home... We are all blessed in so many ways and need to really appreciate every day and every moment. We are all human and struggle to continue to improve and learn on this life journey!
Cheryl