New Balance. I am starting to think that should be my new motto. I need to find a new balance in my life. It has been almost two weeks since my MS150 ride and I am still trying to motivate myself in certain areas of my life. I can set a physical challenge, I work hard and train hard to accomplish that challenge, finish my challenge (maybe not exactly how I had hoped) and then I sit back and analyze what worked and didn't work. What I am finding is that I tend to dwell on what isn't working and that brings me down.
My NEW Shari journey has been so successful in regards to the physical aspect. For whatever reason this week, I have received numerous compliments on how I look - that my physical appearance has changed enough for people to notice and that is great. I think that anyone working to improve their health needs positive reinforcement from time to time to keep that motivation going. But I have also received compliments on my determination and commitment. Regulars at the health club notice that I am there every morning, putting in my workout and pushing my body. If I miss a day, they know that it is because I am out biking on Sheba - so still working out and pushing, just not at the club. One man asked me how my MS150 ride went and when I finished telling him about that ride and the rides I have planned, he commented "I can see how happy your new hobby makes you. I am so glad that you found something to make you happy." I guess we can say that the physical part of my journey is still on the positive side.
My journey has also brought me so far in my Faith. I never thought that working out could pump up your Faith - but that is what is happening with me. I am not sure exactly how it works but I know that God is using my time at the health club, my time out biking, my time talking about my journey - to share His love and compassion with others. Perhaps it is a little self confidence I have gained from working out that has enabled me to share my Faith with others, to not shy away from opportunities to help when I feel it is needed, to offer encouragement and prayers when I see others struggle - to start working on becoming that Christian I want and need to be.
Now to where I need to find that NEW Balance - my mental health. How can I work so hard on improving my physical health and my spiritual health and spend so much time getting down on myself mentally?? I know that it takes a lot of work to find balance in your life - and that right now is my biggest struggle. My domestic life has taken a backseat to all the other changes in my life and I have yet to find a way to make that a priority again - well maybe not even a priority but just a regular part of life. I have no real motivation to don the apron and whip out the mop bucket. Why oh why can't my house just clean itself? Or why can't my two able bodied children chip in with the daily household chores without whining and arguing? Honestly I feel like a horrible mother because all I seem to do is nag, nag, nag and eventually yell to get simple chores done. That leads me to doubting my capabilities as a mother - if I can't get them to empty the dishwasher or throw their clothes down the laundry chute, how can I believe that they are listening to anything I say to them? There have been many times lately where I have just given up and walked away. Another notch in the negative belt - I can't even deal with my kids and dirty dishes. I know the world won't end because there are dirty dishes in the sink - but I am trying to teach my kids basic life skills that will hopefully lead them to becoming decent adults. I know they aren't bad kids but just a little respect would go a long way to helping me feel better about the being the mom I want to be.
Along with my parenting doubts go the feelings that I am not exactly the wife that my husband was hoping for. I know that I use the excuse that his night shift work makes it difficult to function as a couple in the normal sense - some days it feels like we are more like roommates then a married couple. And I do know that part of my struggle is his shift. But when I analyze my doubts, part of it comes back to me wanting to succeed at my weight loss and physical challenges and I seem to find it really hard to give up my morning me time to work on anything else. I really don't understand why that is so hard - except that I struggle with wanting to be in control - I have had some great "chats" with God about this and I am working on it. I am grateful that he has been so supportive of my NEW journey and that he is patient with me. I admit that I miss the days when we both worked the same basic shift and had the time for long walks through the park, or working together on projects or even just doing the weekly cleaning. I also know that we will get back to some kind of normal life eventually. And for now I need to work on making that time to spend with him - even if it is just 15 minutes before he leaves for work - to reconnect, to talk and to let him know that I love him. I guess sometimes it is baby steps to finding that balance.
Once again I am finding that thinking I was just going to work out and lose some weight has led to so many more mental challenges than I could have ever imagined. I know that God knows what He is doing and He is in control of this NEW journey. As much as I would love to know the ultimate outcome - will I ever reach my goal? How many challenges will I set and accomplish? Will my son ever put his dirty socks down the chute and not in the couch cushions? - I am thankful for what I have experienced so far and the lessons I have learned. NEW Balance - sounds like something worth striving for - and not just another pair of shoes.
Friday, June 22, 2012
Friday, May 25, 2012
A hole in my Force Field or The Devil made me do it.
Well once again my son has me questioning my ability to parent a boy. I do realize he is 8 (almost 9) and is a good kid. But he has quite the ability to test my patience to its limits. Today he did it again - took what I would call a great day and knocked it clear down to a great big UGH kind of day.
Details aren't important - just the fact that he did something I consider inappropriate and he thought was funny. Even when disciplining him, he had that smirk on his face that drives me nuts. He knows he was wrong but because his friends were still around, he was putting on his I'm so cool act. That is when I sent him in to have a chat with his father about his behavior.
So here I am wondering how can I can be a good parent when my son keeps making impulsive choices that usual defy my instructions. Let me say that when he acts on his impulses, I don't let it slide. He has been disciplined with what I would consider appropriate consequences. But he hasn't learned how to control his impulses and make good choices. So once again we are talking about making good choices, showing us how he can earn our trust again, being a good friend/brother/citizen and acting like a Christian.
Tonight I sit here wondering why God allows us to act in certain ways that lead to trouble. I guess that we do have free will, but I always hope that God would lead us to down the better path. I have prayed for Bill and his behavior many times and prayed for myself as well - that I can be a mom who has a better understanding as to what drives his behavior and who can help steer him down a path that leads to better choices and safe behavior.
Last year Bill had an incident that eventually led to us grounding him for 2 months and cancelling his birthday party. A few weeks into the grounding he came to us with a possible explanation as to why he did what he did. He said -" you know how God has a force field around you to keep you safe? Well there was a small hole in my force field and the devil got in there and made me do what I did. But God has fixed my force field and I won't do that again."
The devil made him do it. Couldn't that be true? Haven't we been taught from early on how Satan is evil and leads us down the wrong path. We have been told to put our Faith in God and follow his teachings and we will be safe from Satan's ways. I know that none of us are perfect and I realize that Satan tries to work not just on our actions, but on our thoughts as well. That explains why I am doubting my ability to parent. That little bit of doubt has opened up my "force field" and allowed Satan to keep me from focusing on my positives and has kept me building up the negatives.
I am thankful that as I have been on my NEW journey, my Faith has been built up to the point that I know that God will bring me through things - usually sooner than later. And that feeling is with me now. I struggle at times to remember to give it to God but tonight I was able to do that shortly after the incident. Prayers were said for my son again - that he realizes why his behavior is inappropriate. Prayer were also said for me - that I can forgive him and show him how he can make choices to become the fine young Christian man that I really hope he will be.
Tomorrow is a new day - that is one of those perks of being a Christian - God gives us a clean slate each day. I am hopeful that my son and I can come to some sort of understanding over what he did and what he can do to fix it in my eyes. We can work together to fix those holes in our force fields.
Details aren't important - just the fact that he did something I consider inappropriate and he thought was funny. Even when disciplining him, he had that smirk on his face that drives me nuts. He knows he was wrong but because his friends were still around, he was putting on his I'm so cool act. That is when I sent him in to have a chat with his father about his behavior.
So here I am wondering how can I can be a good parent when my son keeps making impulsive choices that usual defy my instructions. Let me say that when he acts on his impulses, I don't let it slide. He has been disciplined with what I would consider appropriate consequences. But he hasn't learned how to control his impulses and make good choices. So once again we are talking about making good choices, showing us how he can earn our trust again, being a good friend/brother/citizen and acting like a Christian.
Tonight I sit here wondering why God allows us to act in certain ways that lead to trouble. I guess that we do have free will, but I always hope that God would lead us to down the better path. I have prayed for Bill and his behavior many times and prayed for myself as well - that I can be a mom who has a better understanding as to what drives his behavior and who can help steer him down a path that leads to better choices and safe behavior.
Last year Bill had an incident that eventually led to us grounding him for 2 months and cancelling his birthday party. A few weeks into the grounding he came to us with a possible explanation as to why he did what he did. He said -" you know how God has a force field around you to keep you safe? Well there was a small hole in my force field and the devil got in there and made me do what I did. But God has fixed my force field and I won't do that again."
The devil made him do it. Couldn't that be true? Haven't we been taught from early on how Satan is evil and leads us down the wrong path. We have been told to put our Faith in God and follow his teachings and we will be safe from Satan's ways. I know that none of us are perfect and I realize that Satan tries to work not just on our actions, but on our thoughts as well. That explains why I am doubting my ability to parent. That little bit of doubt has opened up my "force field" and allowed Satan to keep me from focusing on my positives and has kept me building up the negatives.
I am thankful that as I have been on my NEW journey, my Faith has been built up to the point that I know that God will bring me through things - usually sooner than later. And that feeling is with me now. I struggle at times to remember to give it to God but tonight I was able to do that shortly after the incident. Prayers were said for my son again - that he realizes why his behavior is inappropriate. Prayer were also said for me - that I can forgive him and show him how he can make choices to become the fine young Christian man that I really hope he will be.
Tomorrow is a new day - that is one of those perks of being a Christian - God gives us a clean slate each day. I am hopeful that my son and I can come to some sort of understanding over what he did and what he can do to fix it in my eyes. We can work together to fix those holes in our force fields.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
First is worst, second is best
That is one of those sayings that my kids throw at each other - I suppose to make the second place finisher feel better about themselves. Is there really anything wrong with finishing second? Well this week I saw first hand how second place can make a world of difference in a person's life.
If you follow my blog you know that I have not exactly been thrilled to have this long term EA (para ) job. It isn't the students that I work with, it is the loss of my freedom (so to speak). But since I started in March, God has given me so many moments that I would have never experienced if I hadn't been working at school. Well this week was no exception.
Monday was Track and Field day for our 5th graders. It was a beautiful day and we spent all of it outside at the high school track. The student that I am assigned to is a typical 5th grade girl - everything is boring and she doesn't want to "have to do anything". She also doesn't want to be the center of attention. So at each event that we were required to do, she asked me if she had to, told me she didn't want to and in some cases chose to do the worst she could just to get it over with. And that was how we spent our morning.
After lunch, we were in line for the 100 yard hurdles. We had to wait 25 minutes for her turn. There was a lot of grumbling about waiting, not wanting to do it, her legs getting sunburned, it would be boring, etc. But I made her stay. At last it was her turn. I do have to say that she is small and strong and when they said go - she flew. Something clicked in her and she let her body do what it was meant to do. She finished way ahead of the second place person in her heat. I was proud of her but of course she just brushed it off and away we went to our next event.
At the end of the day when we had returned to our classroom, they handed out the ribbons. There were over 200 5th graders competing and some of them are natural born athletes or have worked really hard for track and field day. You can imagine both of our surprised reactions when my students name was called for 2nd place in the Girls 100 yard hurdles. 2nd out of roughly 100 girls who competed in that event.
Once the shock wore off, I asked her if she had ever done that well before. She said that she had never won anything before in her life. I believe it. I know that she has several brothers and sisters and a single mom raising them. There are not a lot of opportunities for extra curricular activities. This one event gave her a glimpse of something she has a natural gift for. I sent her home on the bus with a little smirk on her face but a huge smile inside.
The next morning I met her at the bus and asked if she had showed her mom the ribbon. She said yes and that her mom was taking to work with her to show her friends. This was the moment God gave me to see a positive in her life. I have been with her for two months and this was the first time I have seen her like this. My student experienced something new that day - PRIDE. She has struggled with many things this school year but this second place track and field ribbon gave her the opportunity to experience pride in her ability. Even if it was just for that day - she finally felt what everyone should get to feel at some point- that public acknowledgement that you are good at something.
I know that God uses me in different situations and I have come to accept that I am meant to be working with this girl through the end of the school year. I have prayed many times that I could have some insight into how to deal with her issues and what I needed to do to help her. Although God hasn't given me any clear cut instructions, I believe that I am there to serve as a positive female role model, perhaps a surrogate school mom, a friend, part of the base of her school support system and what I can always hope - a sister in Christ. I do not hide my faith at school - I wear a cross necklace, I talk about going to church - the kids know that I am a Christian - and although I have never told my student that I have prayed for her - I hope God lets her know somehow that someone at school does care about her.
Back to the saying - First is worst, Second is best. This week I truly believe that second is best.
If you follow my blog you know that I have not exactly been thrilled to have this long term EA (para ) job. It isn't the students that I work with, it is the loss of my freedom (so to speak). But since I started in March, God has given me so many moments that I would have never experienced if I hadn't been working at school. Well this week was no exception.
Monday was Track and Field day for our 5th graders. It was a beautiful day and we spent all of it outside at the high school track. The student that I am assigned to is a typical 5th grade girl - everything is boring and she doesn't want to "have to do anything". She also doesn't want to be the center of attention. So at each event that we were required to do, she asked me if she had to, told me she didn't want to and in some cases chose to do the worst she could just to get it over with. And that was how we spent our morning.
After lunch, we were in line for the 100 yard hurdles. We had to wait 25 minutes for her turn. There was a lot of grumbling about waiting, not wanting to do it, her legs getting sunburned, it would be boring, etc. But I made her stay. At last it was her turn. I do have to say that she is small and strong and when they said go - she flew. Something clicked in her and she let her body do what it was meant to do. She finished way ahead of the second place person in her heat. I was proud of her but of course she just brushed it off and away we went to our next event.
At the end of the day when we had returned to our classroom, they handed out the ribbons. There were over 200 5th graders competing and some of them are natural born athletes or have worked really hard for track and field day. You can imagine both of our surprised reactions when my students name was called for 2nd place in the Girls 100 yard hurdles. 2nd out of roughly 100 girls who competed in that event.
Once the shock wore off, I asked her if she had ever done that well before. She said that she had never won anything before in her life. I believe it. I know that she has several brothers and sisters and a single mom raising them. There are not a lot of opportunities for extra curricular activities. This one event gave her a glimpse of something she has a natural gift for. I sent her home on the bus with a little smirk on her face but a huge smile inside.
The next morning I met her at the bus and asked if she had showed her mom the ribbon. She said yes and that her mom was taking to work with her to show her friends. This was the moment God gave me to see a positive in her life. I have been with her for two months and this was the first time I have seen her like this. My student experienced something new that day - PRIDE. She has struggled with many things this school year but this second place track and field ribbon gave her the opportunity to experience pride in her ability. Even if it was just for that day - she finally felt what everyone should get to feel at some point- that public acknowledgement that you are good at something.
I know that God uses me in different situations and I have come to accept that I am meant to be working with this girl through the end of the school year. I have prayed many times that I could have some insight into how to deal with her issues and what I needed to do to help her. Although God hasn't given me any clear cut instructions, I believe that I am there to serve as a positive female role model, perhaps a surrogate school mom, a friend, part of the base of her school support system and what I can always hope - a sister in Christ. I do not hide my faith at school - I wear a cross necklace, I talk about going to church - the kids know that I am a Christian - and although I have never told my student that I have prayed for her - I hope God lets her know somehow that someone at school does care about her.
Back to the saying - First is worst, Second is best. This week I truly believe that second is best.
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
I am Ironwoman - hear me roar!
Sunday, May 6, 2012 was IRONMAN ride day in Minnesota. From the 6 ride choices, I picked the 68 mile untimed ride. 68 MILES!!! 2011 was my first time riding the Ironman and I tackled the 30 mile ride. The weather was horrible, I was sick and I had an old, heavy, never been tuned mountain bike. It wasn't pretty but I did it. So it seemed only right that this year I challenge myself to a longer ride.
Thanks to a mild, snowless winter and early spring, I was able to get almost 300 miles of training rides in. When I couldn't ride outside, I kept up my training at the health club. Even after my 500 day streak, I didn't back down. I made the commitment to myself to ride the Ironman and I wasn't going to let myself down. So every morning at 5:15 or so, you will find me at the health club putting in my workout.
The Ironman wasn't meant to be just a physical test for me. Because all aspects of my life are so intertwined - physical, mental and spiritual - this ride would test all of that. So of course I need to train all areas of my life to successfully complete my challenge. And if you have read my previous posts, you know that April was a huge mental/emotional challenge for me, as well as a test of my Faith. I am pretty sure the God used the situations of the last month and a half to build up that spiritual strength. I find it truly amazing how much I continue to grow in my Faith. It seems that I have come so far, and yet there is still so far to go.
The week before the ride I tapered - reduced the intensity my workouts - my last long ride of 36 miles was 6 days before Ironman. I knew that it was necessary to taper but mentally it was killing me. I like my intense, push to the limit workouts to help clear my head and I wasn't able to do that for 6 days. Just another part of the challenge. The countdown continued and more obstacles were thrown at me - a great nasty head cold two days before the ride, a blown radiator hose in my car the day before, torrential rains the morning of the ride.... what else was Satan going to try to get me to give up on my ride - and perhaps myself??
Yet I didn't let Satan bring me down. I stocked up on cold medicine to help me get through my ride, my husband and I managed to work out the vehicle situation so that I could take his truck on ride day and God was listening to my prayers on Sunday morning because it stopped raining as I was exiting off the freeway in Lakeville - just miles from my ride start. Yes I was happy but I still had a 68 mile ride to get through.
I started my ride at 7:35 a.m. I had a map but it really meant nothing to me as I am not familiar with that area. And as a side note - elevation maps are very deceiving!!! But I was off, on my own like usual and thankful to be riding. The big hill on the map was in Jordan, near our first rest stop - and a hill it was. But I told myself I had trained for this ride and any hill is doable. Felt great and knocked out 15 miles in my first hour - which I thought was pretty darn good. Little did I know that the rest of our ride would be through the very scenic rolling hills amid fragrant dairy farms!
My speed dropped some, especially on the hills and at times so did my enthusiasm and confidence in myself. I don't like hills - not ashamed to admit it. Thankfully every training ride I did, I made myself do the hills on the way back home at the end of my ride - just to prove to myself that I can do it. My challenge on this ride was to NOT WALK THE HILLS!!! Last year I walked up 7 hills - there was just no way I could do it. But I wouldn't let myself do that. I have been training since last May and really there was NO reason I couldn't bike up every hill.
I'll be honest - it was hard! And several times I took to yelling at myself to try and motivate myself to get those legs moving again. After the second rest stop, I really started to get discouraged by the fact that I would get to the top of a hill and look ahead and see ANOTHER HILL! And all I could think was there is no way I can do it again. But that little burst of speed cruising down the hill would help refresh my thoughts and I would give it my all. Yes there was a hill where my speed dropped to 5 mph but I never stopped pedalling and made it up that hill with my heart beating out of my chest.
I thought it was wonderful to see that sign that said 1/2 mile to finish - until I remembered that to get back to Lakeville High School - you have to go up a hill before you can ride down the hill to the finish. So that last 1/4 mile had me grumbling quite a bit - but I knew I was so so close to the end.
Sheba and I cruised down the final little hill to the finish line. 5 hours and 19 minutes riding time to do 68 miles. For me - an incredible feat. Compared to the guys who did the 100 mile timed race in 4 hours, 40 minutes, I was travelling at a snails pace. But I remind myself that I wasn't out there to compete with anyone but myself. I kept a pretty even pace - people passed me, I passed people and I held my own. Physically I was tired but not exhausted - so I feel I did an okay job training for the ride. Mentally I got down on myself at times but it was what I need to push harder and finish the ride. Spiritually I spent a lot of time thanking God for getting me to where I was and for allowing me the opportunity to ride. Lots of praise was sent up during my ride.
Will I participate in the Ironman again? You bet. God has led me to this wonderful "hobby" that I LOVE! Cycling challenges me in all areas of my life and has allowed me the opportunity to prove to myself that I am the NEW Shari that God wants me to be. For as far as I have come in the last two years, I think God is okay with me calling myself IRONWOMAN. And as I am sharing my Faith - you will hear me roar!!
Thanks to a mild, snowless winter and early spring, I was able to get almost 300 miles of training rides in. When I couldn't ride outside, I kept up my training at the health club. Even after my 500 day streak, I didn't back down. I made the commitment to myself to ride the Ironman and I wasn't going to let myself down. So every morning at 5:15 or so, you will find me at the health club putting in my workout.
The Ironman wasn't meant to be just a physical test for me. Because all aspects of my life are so intertwined - physical, mental and spiritual - this ride would test all of that. So of course I need to train all areas of my life to successfully complete my challenge. And if you have read my previous posts, you know that April was a huge mental/emotional challenge for me, as well as a test of my Faith. I am pretty sure the God used the situations of the last month and a half to build up that spiritual strength. I find it truly amazing how much I continue to grow in my Faith. It seems that I have come so far, and yet there is still so far to go.
The week before the ride I tapered - reduced the intensity my workouts - my last long ride of 36 miles was 6 days before Ironman. I knew that it was necessary to taper but mentally it was killing me. I like my intense, push to the limit workouts to help clear my head and I wasn't able to do that for 6 days. Just another part of the challenge. The countdown continued and more obstacles were thrown at me - a great nasty head cold two days before the ride, a blown radiator hose in my car the day before, torrential rains the morning of the ride.... what else was Satan going to try to get me to give up on my ride - and perhaps myself??
Yet I didn't let Satan bring me down. I stocked up on cold medicine to help me get through my ride, my husband and I managed to work out the vehicle situation so that I could take his truck on ride day and God was listening to my prayers on Sunday morning because it stopped raining as I was exiting off the freeway in Lakeville - just miles from my ride start. Yes I was happy but I still had a 68 mile ride to get through.
I started my ride at 7:35 a.m. I had a map but it really meant nothing to me as I am not familiar with that area. And as a side note - elevation maps are very deceiving!!! But I was off, on my own like usual and thankful to be riding. The big hill on the map was in Jordan, near our first rest stop - and a hill it was. But I told myself I had trained for this ride and any hill is doable. Felt great and knocked out 15 miles in my first hour - which I thought was pretty darn good. Little did I know that the rest of our ride would be through the very scenic rolling hills amid fragrant dairy farms!
My speed dropped some, especially on the hills and at times so did my enthusiasm and confidence in myself. I don't like hills - not ashamed to admit it. Thankfully every training ride I did, I made myself do the hills on the way back home at the end of my ride - just to prove to myself that I can do it. My challenge on this ride was to NOT WALK THE HILLS!!! Last year I walked up 7 hills - there was just no way I could do it. But I wouldn't let myself do that. I have been training since last May and really there was NO reason I couldn't bike up every hill.
I'll be honest - it was hard! And several times I took to yelling at myself to try and motivate myself to get those legs moving again. After the second rest stop, I really started to get discouraged by the fact that I would get to the top of a hill and look ahead and see ANOTHER HILL! And all I could think was there is no way I can do it again. But that little burst of speed cruising down the hill would help refresh my thoughts and I would give it my all. Yes there was a hill where my speed dropped to 5 mph but I never stopped pedalling and made it up that hill with my heart beating out of my chest.
I thought it was wonderful to see that sign that said 1/2 mile to finish - until I remembered that to get back to Lakeville High School - you have to go up a hill before you can ride down the hill to the finish. So that last 1/4 mile had me grumbling quite a bit - but I knew I was so so close to the end.
Sheba and I cruised down the final little hill to the finish line. 5 hours and 19 minutes riding time to do 68 miles. For me - an incredible feat. Compared to the guys who did the 100 mile timed race in 4 hours, 40 minutes, I was travelling at a snails pace. But I remind myself that I wasn't out there to compete with anyone but myself. I kept a pretty even pace - people passed me, I passed people and I held my own. Physically I was tired but not exhausted - so I feel I did an okay job training for the ride. Mentally I got down on myself at times but it was what I need to push harder and finish the ride. Spiritually I spent a lot of time thanking God for getting me to where I was and for allowing me the opportunity to ride. Lots of praise was sent up during my ride.
Will I participate in the Ironman again? You bet. God has led me to this wonderful "hobby" that I LOVE! Cycling challenges me in all areas of my life and has allowed me the opportunity to prove to myself that I am the NEW Shari that God wants me to be. For as far as I have come in the last two years, I think God is okay with me calling myself IRONWOMAN. And as I am sharing my Faith - you will hear me roar!!
Monday, April 30, 2012
Climbing the mountainside...
So here we are - on the other side. God has once again brought me through my struggles (my valley) and shown me the light. For as much as I hate doubting myself, feeling depressed, despising things in my life and resenting certain other things - - I love that I am able to learn things from all that has happened.
First and foremost, my Faith remained strong - I never doubted that God would get me through - I just struggled with my end of it - control and resentment. Many times I tried to tell myself to give it all to God and I just couldn't let go of all of it. Not sure why but that was what kept holding me back. I know I have mentioned before that my Faith has grown during my journey to a NEW me and perhaps part of this was to prepare me for this. Having that strong Faith base certainly helped.
Second, I realized that God really does have a plan and that I just need to be open to listening. For as much as I didn't want the new job I got, there have been several situations where I just knew that I was right where God wanted me to be. It is so amazing to me how that works. I still wish at times that I was back to my "freedom" before the job, but I just keep telling myself that where I am is where I need to be right now.
I really don't like how I felt during the last few weeks - because it sure didn't feel like me. I prefer to try and keep the positive outlook and not let things get me down and keep me down. I really did struggle with that these last few weeks. Now that I am through, I am adding this to another life experience.
About the only time I felt okay was when I was on a long bike ride. I guess I know that God gave me those opportunities to escape (in a way) and try to work on things with Him while I was removed from the situation. It certainly helped. I was able to keep training for my big ride this coming weekend and have some great chats with God.
Looking back over the last 4 weeks, I can see how certain people and events were placed in my life to "shake things up" and also help get me through. I am so blessed with my family and friends. And so blessed to have such an incredible relationship with God. I believe that there is no other way I would be able to commit to my NEW lifestyle. God has given me such wonderful opportunities to improve my body, mind and spirit.
My friend and I have talked about valleys and mountains. I was in a deep valley and have finally found that mountainside that I need to climb - and I am more than ready!
First and foremost, my Faith remained strong - I never doubted that God would get me through - I just struggled with my end of it - control and resentment. Many times I tried to tell myself to give it all to God and I just couldn't let go of all of it. Not sure why but that was what kept holding me back. I know I have mentioned before that my Faith has grown during my journey to a NEW me and perhaps part of this was to prepare me for this. Having that strong Faith base certainly helped.
Second, I realized that God really does have a plan and that I just need to be open to listening. For as much as I didn't want the new job I got, there have been several situations where I just knew that I was right where God wanted me to be. It is so amazing to me how that works. I still wish at times that I was back to my "freedom" before the job, but I just keep telling myself that where I am is where I need to be right now.
I really don't like how I felt during the last few weeks - because it sure didn't feel like me. I prefer to try and keep the positive outlook and not let things get me down and keep me down. I really did struggle with that these last few weeks. Now that I am through, I am adding this to another life experience.
About the only time I felt okay was when I was on a long bike ride. I guess I know that God gave me those opportunities to escape (in a way) and try to work on things with Him while I was removed from the situation. It certainly helped. I was able to keep training for my big ride this coming weekend and have some great chats with God.
Looking back over the last 4 weeks, I can see how certain people and events were placed in my life to "shake things up" and also help get me through. I am so blessed with my family and friends. And so blessed to have such an incredible relationship with God. I believe that there is no other way I would be able to commit to my NEW lifestyle. God has given me such wonderful opportunities to improve my body, mind and spirit.
My friend and I have talked about valleys and mountains. I was in a deep valley and have finally found that mountainside that I need to climb - and I am more than ready!
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
God wants to drive and I won't let Him!
Two weeks ago, I blogged about God shaking up my life. Well the shaking up has certainly continued. I must have really been on cruise control to need this much shaking up. I went from top of the world on a Saturday after my 60 mile ride to the pits on Monday afternoon and even lower by Thursday. Even my 35 mile ride this past Saturday couldn't get me back to where I want to be. I have had a lot of situations at work lately that have left me so emotionally drained. When I mentioned that fact to a friend, he told me it is the control factor that I struggle with. Oh how right he is.
Control. Who is in control of my life? Well of course God is but perhaps I need a reminder of that. I do prefer to have my life go how I think it should. To be able to schedule my days my way. I like to work when I want and to work for who I want - which in the past has been such a blessing that I have a job that allows that. But my new job doesn't allow for that. I am there everyday - working with whomever they assign me too. I have had to give up my many volunteer commitments as well. No more reading buddies, no more popcorn parties, no more funeral luncheons. The things that I volunteer to do, I do because they make me happy. I feel so good about what I am doing in those situations. But that has been shut down for now. And I think this is where my struggle begins - RESENTMENT! I suppose part of my problem could just be that I am stubborn and don't like being told what to do. But after lots of prayers and a wonderful sermon this past Sunday, I have come to realize that my big problem is the resentment I have over how I came to have the job I am currently working and the loss of the job I liked.
Pastor Paul's sermon this past Sunday was titled The Power of Forgiveness. As I listened I thought, good sermon but it doesn't really apply to me right now. I didn't feel that anyone had wronged me - or that I really needed to forgive anyone for anything. And then he said "Think how wonderful you would feel if you would just let all that resentment go." Wham! Smack over the head. That was the word I was looking for to describe what I was feeling. So I perked up and listened to the rest of the sermon. He went on to say that even though you are holding a grudge, most of the time the person you are holding that grudge against doesn't even know it. So the only person you are really hurting is yourself. I honestly felt after that sermon that Pastor Paul was speaking just to me - that he knew what was going on in my heart and mind and the words I needed to hear.
And of course you are probably thinking that I said my prayers and it was a fairy tale Happy Ending. Sorry - my real life doesn't work that way. Yes I have prayed. Yes I have questioned God and talked to Him and yet I am still feeling resentment towards the job and a few people involved with it. So why have I not moved on?? Pretty sure it comes back to that control thing. I still think I should be able to be in control of my life and I am struggling to give it all over to God. God has used me so many times to help fix things in others' lives - why can't I fix myself? Even after asking for His help, I am not there. And so I continue to be frustrated with myself for not being able to give it up, a little depressed that I feel this way, confused by why I am struggling so much, questioning why things are happening like they are and why it can't all be made right with the prayers I have said.
I know my Faith has wavered a little but it is still there. I know that God will bring me through this and that is what I keep telling myself - but I realize I still haven't given it all over to Him. Apparently there is a little part of me that must want to "wallow in misery" for whatever reason. But I am ready to move on - I NEED to move on. I do not want to be this person that holds on to resentment and won't forgive. Basic Sunday School has taught me to forgive and to love. That will have to be my new commitment - to forgive and to love and to move on to where God leads me.
I will ask dear friends that you will say a prayer for me - that God will help me forgive and move on. He has put me in this job for a reason and I need to be open to what He has planned for me. I need to get back to feeling like the NEW Shari I have become - the one who wants to serve her God without question and who is willing to let Him be in Control!
Control. Who is in control of my life? Well of course God is but perhaps I need a reminder of that. I do prefer to have my life go how I think it should. To be able to schedule my days my way. I like to work when I want and to work for who I want - which in the past has been such a blessing that I have a job that allows that. But my new job doesn't allow for that. I am there everyday - working with whomever they assign me too. I have had to give up my many volunteer commitments as well. No more reading buddies, no more popcorn parties, no more funeral luncheons. The things that I volunteer to do, I do because they make me happy. I feel so good about what I am doing in those situations. But that has been shut down for now. And I think this is where my struggle begins - RESENTMENT! I suppose part of my problem could just be that I am stubborn and don't like being told what to do. But after lots of prayers and a wonderful sermon this past Sunday, I have come to realize that my big problem is the resentment I have over how I came to have the job I am currently working and the loss of the job I liked.
Pastor Paul's sermon this past Sunday was titled The Power of Forgiveness. As I listened I thought, good sermon but it doesn't really apply to me right now. I didn't feel that anyone had wronged me - or that I really needed to forgive anyone for anything. And then he said "Think how wonderful you would feel if you would just let all that resentment go." Wham! Smack over the head. That was the word I was looking for to describe what I was feeling. So I perked up and listened to the rest of the sermon. He went on to say that even though you are holding a grudge, most of the time the person you are holding that grudge against doesn't even know it. So the only person you are really hurting is yourself. I honestly felt after that sermon that Pastor Paul was speaking just to me - that he knew what was going on in my heart and mind and the words I needed to hear.
And of course you are probably thinking that I said my prayers and it was a fairy tale Happy Ending. Sorry - my real life doesn't work that way. Yes I have prayed. Yes I have questioned God and talked to Him and yet I am still feeling resentment towards the job and a few people involved with it. So why have I not moved on?? Pretty sure it comes back to that control thing. I still think I should be able to be in control of my life and I am struggling to give it all over to God. God has used me so many times to help fix things in others' lives - why can't I fix myself? Even after asking for His help, I am not there. And so I continue to be frustrated with myself for not being able to give it up, a little depressed that I feel this way, confused by why I am struggling so much, questioning why things are happening like they are and why it can't all be made right with the prayers I have said.
I know my Faith has wavered a little but it is still there. I know that God will bring me through this and that is what I keep telling myself - but I realize I still haven't given it all over to Him. Apparently there is a little part of me that must want to "wallow in misery" for whatever reason. But I am ready to move on - I NEED to move on. I do not want to be this person that holds on to resentment and won't forgive. Basic Sunday School has taught me to forgive and to love. That will have to be my new commitment - to forgive and to love and to move on to where God leads me.
I will ask dear friends that you will say a prayer for me - that God will help me forgive and move on. He has put me in this job for a reason and I need to be open to what He has planned for me. I need to get back to feeling like the NEW Shari I have become - the one who wants to serve her God without question and who is willing to let Him be in Control!
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Time to Shake it UP
Oh what a roller coaster I have been on the last few weeks. Water in the basement, brakes failing on the car, sewer line repair work, new job, truck that won't run, death of a good friend, fired from a job, sick dog - I am sure there is more but you get the idea. It seems like every day something else "bad" happens. Bad might be too strong a word but life hasn't been it's usual smooth sailing style lately.
To add to the mix, I am still doing a 90 day weight loss challenge and to my dismay the pounds aren't just melting off (like they do on Biggest Loser!!!) So I met with the train for a quick 5 minute check in and asked for some strategies to get the weight loss going. He praised me for my dedication and the fact that I am a work horse - I just keep plugging through my workouts. And therein lies my problem. I don't jump start my body at any time. I have never tried the interval training idea. I just like to challenge myself in time/pounds/miles. So he suggested that I start interval training a couple of days a week to "shock my body".
That suggestion got me wondering if that is what God is doing to my Faith and my Spirit. Time to shock them a little - shake things up. I love how my Faith has grown during this journey but perhaps I have fallen into a rut of sorts. Am I stuck praying for the same people? Have I been actively looking for new opportunities to minister to others? Have I decided that I am good enough where I am at? Well Yes, No and Yes - I guess. I do have family and friends that I pray for on a regular basis. But what is to stop me from picking random people to pray for - or to seek those who might be in need of prayer? I have been so wrapped up in the negative things that have been happening to me that I have not made that conscious effort to seek new ways to minister to others. And yes I think I have become comfortable where I am at - my life seemed just peachy a few weeks ago.
So God - in His infinite wisdom - is shaking up my life for me. And honestly - it hasn't been horrible. Yes I have grumbled more than I would like, cried more than I would like, felt anger and frustration that perhaps weren't exactly justified. But when I look over all that has happened the last few weeks - it could have been a lot worse. I suppose Dana and I will be pinching pennies a little tighter for a few more months to cover the expenses that have come up but we will get through just fine.
On the day we found out about the cost of the sewer work, I was given a job at school for the rest of the year. Not a job I was thrilled to have - but an obvious sign that God was giving me the opportunity to earn some money to pay that bill. And perhaps work in a young girls life in a positive manner. Dana has been given many opportunities to work overtime lately - that will help. Unfortunately I was "laid off" from one of my jobs this week. As nice as it would be to have that money still coming in - the stress of working three part time jobs right now with Dana's schedule and overtime was really starting to wear on me. So how can I not believe that God had a hand in giving me the opportunity for a little "Shari/Sheba Time - or sanity time".
Each day that something happened, there has be some kind of sign to remind me that God has a plan. I need not worry - all will be taken care of. My favorite reminder of God's love is when a student at school calls out "Miss Shari" and runs over to give me a hug. At that moment, I can feel God's Love and know that at some point I have made a positive connection with this child. God uses me in their lives and uses them in my life. During the last few weeks these moments have been extra special - and extra important reminders that money isn't everything. Yes we need it - but if we have Faith - God will provide. It is the love of others and our ability to show love to others that is important.
I may still grumble as things happen - I am only human after all. But I am so grateful that God has brought me as far as He has in my Faith so that I can take a step back physically and mentally and allow His plan to continue. It isn't up to me to Shake Things Up - it's all UP to Him!
To add to the mix, I am still doing a 90 day weight loss challenge and to my dismay the pounds aren't just melting off (like they do on Biggest Loser!!!) So I met with the train for a quick 5 minute check in and asked for some strategies to get the weight loss going. He praised me for my dedication and the fact that I am a work horse - I just keep plugging through my workouts. And therein lies my problem. I don't jump start my body at any time. I have never tried the interval training idea. I just like to challenge myself in time/pounds/miles. So he suggested that I start interval training a couple of days a week to "shock my body".
That suggestion got me wondering if that is what God is doing to my Faith and my Spirit. Time to shock them a little - shake things up. I love how my Faith has grown during this journey but perhaps I have fallen into a rut of sorts. Am I stuck praying for the same people? Have I been actively looking for new opportunities to minister to others? Have I decided that I am good enough where I am at? Well Yes, No and Yes - I guess. I do have family and friends that I pray for on a regular basis. But what is to stop me from picking random people to pray for - or to seek those who might be in need of prayer? I have been so wrapped up in the negative things that have been happening to me that I have not made that conscious effort to seek new ways to minister to others. And yes I think I have become comfortable where I am at - my life seemed just peachy a few weeks ago.
So God - in His infinite wisdom - is shaking up my life for me. And honestly - it hasn't been horrible. Yes I have grumbled more than I would like, cried more than I would like, felt anger and frustration that perhaps weren't exactly justified. But when I look over all that has happened the last few weeks - it could have been a lot worse. I suppose Dana and I will be pinching pennies a little tighter for a few more months to cover the expenses that have come up but we will get through just fine.
On the day we found out about the cost of the sewer work, I was given a job at school for the rest of the year. Not a job I was thrilled to have - but an obvious sign that God was giving me the opportunity to earn some money to pay that bill. And perhaps work in a young girls life in a positive manner. Dana has been given many opportunities to work overtime lately - that will help. Unfortunately I was "laid off" from one of my jobs this week. As nice as it would be to have that money still coming in - the stress of working three part time jobs right now with Dana's schedule and overtime was really starting to wear on me. So how can I not believe that God had a hand in giving me the opportunity for a little "Shari/Sheba Time - or sanity time".
Each day that something happened, there has be some kind of sign to remind me that God has a plan. I need not worry - all will be taken care of. My favorite reminder of God's love is when a student at school calls out "Miss Shari" and runs over to give me a hug. At that moment, I can feel God's Love and know that at some point I have made a positive connection with this child. God uses me in their lives and uses them in my life. During the last few weeks these moments have been extra special - and extra important reminders that money isn't everything. Yes we need it - but if we have Faith - God will provide. It is the love of others and our ability to show love to others that is important.
I may still grumble as things happen - I am only human after all. But I am so grateful that God has brought me as far as He has in my Faith so that I can take a step back physically and mentally and allow His plan to continue. It isn't up to me to Shake Things Up - it's all UP to Him!
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