I am not a TV hound. I have cut way back on the amount of television I watch. There are really only 3 shows I like to watch but if I miss them - which I do fairly often- it isn't a big deal. I do find however that when a new season of Biggest Loser comes on, I try to make more of an effort to catch the episodes. But I don't like to watch the whole two hours. My children have heard me say more than once that I don't need to see the drama - during the first hour - all the crying and yelling and "I can't and I hate". I guess I am not big on drama. I prefer to just watch the weigh in and see how they did during the week.
Last night as I watched the season wind down I realized that I have been in my own weight loss drama. Of course it isn't being broadcast to millions of viewers on TV. For the most part it has been stuck in my head. Watching the scale creep up the last few weeks has really brought me down mentally. I have upped my workouts to twice a day - finding that I am functioning better as a mom and wife if I go to the club after school and work out some of my frustration from the day. I still go in the morning before school to clear my head and wake up my body so I am ready for my very active day. I have told myself that yes it is possible that I have added muscle - but most likely not 12 pounds in 3 weeks. I have also told myself that my body is retaining some water because I have been pushing it more. That is entirely possible too. I haven't changed my diet - still working on the healthy eating, portion control and keeping my pop consumption down. So I have to wonder what is really going on.
Of course if I was able to put my home life on hold and have a personal trainer and a nutritionist at my beckon call 24/7 - I am sure I could drop double digits each week. But this is real life. And I am doing my best at what I think will work for me. There are have only been a handful of times when I have dreaded working out. For the most part I am still excited at the challenges each day can bring and look forward to that push - where my mind says "no" but my body says "here we go!"
As I was swimming today - to relieve a lot of frustration - I got to thinking about part of my current struggle. I saw a picture of myself recently and was amazed at how much it differed from the image I have of myself in my head. When I am working out I feel so strong and lean and I guess I believe that my body is reflecting that feeling. But then I see a picture -and realize that is how others see me - and I am disappointed in my appearance. As I look at a picture I can still see the lumps and bumps and the thick calves and the jiggly arms and the fact that I am not as fit and trim as I would like to be.
I have been on my NEW Journey since July 2010 - and for the inches lost and the pounds shed, there are times I still feel like I have accomplished nothing. Why after all the time I have put in at the gym and the challenges I have faced do I not weigh 150 pounds?? Why now, when I am increasing my workout time (which I have done before), am I putting on 12 pounds?? There are so many more questions and at times so much self doubt. And yet there are times where I am so proud of what I have accomplished and who I have become.
Maybe I should go on Biggest Loser and get my own trainer and let the world see my struggles. I think the better option will be to continue on my NEW Journey, keep my Faith in God and know that all my "Drama" is bringing me closer to who He wants me to be. And for that I am so thankful. Of course if I lost a few pounds in the next few weeks that would certainly help keep me from becoming a Drama Queen!!!
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Monday, March 4, 2013
A dozen years under her belt.
My daughter turned 12 this weekend. It is hard to believe that she can be that old but the calendar doesn't lie. It was fun to watch her plan her party and celebrate with her friends. They are an incredible group of young women and I am so happy for her and where she is in her life.
We received a letter in the mail from the health club, informing us of the need to upgrade her membership to a Junior Member when she turns 12. She was so excited - even asking if we could go on her birthday to workout. She can now join me in the lap pool and on the fitness floor with all the machines. She can also take classes with me - she is excited to try Yoga. Her excitement at the prospect of working out made me so proud. There was a time, not so long ago, where a focus on fitness did not exist in our house.
As I have experienced my NEW journey I have told myself many times that I am not doing this just for me. I don't want my children to go down the same path that I did. I hit puberty, we got cable - and I sat and watched TV. Of course that led to many additional pounds finding their way onto my body - and they are very reluctant to leave. I know that there are many things that I feel I missed out on because of my weight. Not to mention self esteem issues, social awkwardness, shyness - opportunities to participate in things but I was just too big. I have made it my mission to help my children avoid this experience.
My daughter has been one of my biggest cheerleaders as I push myself to workout each day. I don't keep my challenges a secret with the hope that they will see me set a challenge, work towards it and hopefully succeed. There are times where I don't accomplish what I set out to - and I want my children to see that too. It is okay to fail at times. But DON'T GIVE UP! And more importantly - BELIEVE IN YOURSELF! I never thought I could run a mile. Or ride a bike around the block. But here I am - up to 2 miles (if I really push) jogging on the treadmill and able to bike 100 miles in 8 hours. Yes there are still times where I have to pinch myself to believe it is really me doing what I do in my workouts. I look back at when I couldn't ride my bike around the block without stopping to catch my breath. Now there are times where I have to bump up the resistance some more because it feels too easy.
I am also honest with my daughter about my struggles with my weight - and the dreaded scale. She has been in with me when I am weighing myself and I still grumble about the fact that the scale doesn't move as much as I think it should. She is the first one to remind me that muscle weighs more than fat and to look at how many inches I have lost and how my body has changed. I have a picture on the fridge from July 2010 to help remind me of the changes I have made in my physical appearance. It is scary to look at sometimes and realize that I had gotten to that point.
My daughter has also been near as I have talked about the mental struggles. Weight loss or lack thereof, challenges, self doubt, stress - all the things that go along not only with exercise and weight loss but life in general - all of these things contribute to the mental games I play with myself. I hope that she sees that it is okay to struggle but it is also okay to find someone to talk to. Even if they aren't experiencing what you are, sometimes you just need to say it out loud to someone and get their perspective on your issue.
One thing about my daughter that really, really makes me proud is the way she lives her Faith life. She is not afraid to share with everyone and anyone about her devotion to God. She has demonstrated many times her love of God in her acts of service to others. I accepted Christ in 2nd grade but it wasn't until my NEW journey began 2 1/2 years ago that I really saw my Faith grow. I feel that I understand more how God uses me and I am so much more open to listening to Him. My daughter has seen this and even commented on it to me. She is following in my footsteps but also foraging her own path with God.
12 years old and she already seems light years ahead of me at that age. I hope that my lifestyle change and dedication to becoming a better me continue to provide a positive role model for her. It is hard to look back at how I lived my life at that age - and realize all the things I did wrong and that I have to work so hard to fix now. I believe that she is off to a great start to avoid those same pitfalls. I am continually amazed at how my NEW journey has affected so many people in my life - it is after all MY journey - but God is using my experiences in so many ways - and I am so thankful that He is.
We received a letter in the mail from the health club, informing us of the need to upgrade her membership to a Junior Member when she turns 12. She was so excited - even asking if we could go on her birthday to workout. She can now join me in the lap pool and on the fitness floor with all the machines. She can also take classes with me - she is excited to try Yoga. Her excitement at the prospect of working out made me so proud. There was a time, not so long ago, where a focus on fitness did not exist in our house.
As I have experienced my NEW journey I have told myself many times that I am not doing this just for me. I don't want my children to go down the same path that I did. I hit puberty, we got cable - and I sat and watched TV. Of course that led to many additional pounds finding their way onto my body - and they are very reluctant to leave. I know that there are many things that I feel I missed out on because of my weight. Not to mention self esteem issues, social awkwardness, shyness - opportunities to participate in things but I was just too big. I have made it my mission to help my children avoid this experience.
My daughter has been one of my biggest cheerleaders as I push myself to workout each day. I don't keep my challenges a secret with the hope that they will see me set a challenge, work towards it and hopefully succeed. There are times where I don't accomplish what I set out to - and I want my children to see that too. It is okay to fail at times. But DON'T GIVE UP! And more importantly - BELIEVE IN YOURSELF! I never thought I could run a mile. Or ride a bike around the block. But here I am - up to 2 miles (if I really push) jogging on the treadmill and able to bike 100 miles in 8 hours. Yes there are still times where I have to pinch myself to believe it is really me doing what I do in my workouts. I look back at when I couldn't ride my bike around the block without stopping to catch my breath. Now there are times where I have to bump up the resistance some more because it feels too easy.
I am also honest with my daughter about my struggles with my weight - and the dreaded scale. She has been in with me when I am weighing myself and I still grumble about the fact that the scale doesn't move as much as I think it should. She is the first one to remind me that muscle weighs more than fat and to look at how many inches I have lost and how my body has changed. I have a picture on the fridge from July 2010 to help remind me of the changes I have made in my physical appearance. It is scary to look at sometimes and realize that I had gotten to that point.
My daughter has also been near as I have talked about the mental struggles. Weight loss or lack thereof, challenges, self doubt, stress - all the things that go along not only with exercise and weight loss but life in general - all of these things contribute to the mental games I play with myself. I hope that she sees that it is okay to struggle but it is also okay to find someone to talk to. Even if they aren't experiencing what you are, sometimes you just need to say it out loud to someone and get their perspective on your issue.
One thing about my daughter that really, really makes me proud is the way she lives her Faith life. She is not afraid to share with everyone and anyone about her devotion to God. She has demonstrated many times her love of God in her acts of service to others. I accepted Christ in 2nd grade but it wasn't until my NEW journey began 2 1/2 years ago that I really saw my Faith grow. I feel that I understand more how God uses me and I am so much more open to listening to Him. My daughter has seen this and even commented on it to me. She is following in my footsteps but also foraging her own path with God.
12 years old and she already seems light years ahead of me at that age. I hope that my lifestyle change and dedication to becoming a better me continue to provide a positive role model for her. It is hard to look back at how I lived my life at that age - and realize all the things I did wrong and that I have to work so hard to fix now. I believe that she is off to a great start to avoid those same pitfalls. I am continually amazed at how my NEW journey has affected so many people in my life - it is after all MY journey - but God is using my experiences in so many ways - and I am so thankful that He is.
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Patience Grasshopper!
This evening I posted on Facebook that I learned 2 things about myself today. 1. I don't have the finger strength to be a graffiti artist. 2. I don't have the patience to put together models. So as I am chuckling to myself while assembling the model cruise ship for our church banquet, I started to question why I don't have much patience for that activity.
In October I started working as a Special Education para. I was moved to 4 different positions in three months before I was officially hired. I discovered there were some kids that I could handle and some that I had no patience for. There are certain behaviors that I struggle with accepting. I am constantly reminding myself that everyone is different and that society has changed so much since I was growing up that kids have a lot more to deal with. But some things still can't be excused.
I am currently working with 2 autistic boys. Yes they can be challenging at times. And absolutely delightful at other times. I am learning what triggers a meltdown and what I can use as a reward. We have our share of good and bad days - and yet the good days are coming more frequently. I am physically exhausted most days - we tend to be on the go a lot. But I find that I really am happy when I am working. I have found a job that I really enjoy - there is never a dull moment that's for sure.
A few people have made that comment that it takes a special person with a lot of patience to do my job. I agree. But why do I have patience to deal with kicking, screaming, running, defiance, anger,etc, --coming from a 6 year old - but I can't sit for an hour and paint and assemble a wooden model ship??? Why? Because God knows where He wants me and what I need to do His work. I don't see how anyone will benefit from me putting together a model ship. But the ability to work with a student through a meltdown and help them regroup afterwards -or to help them navigate a mainstream class - that has it's rewards for both of us.
I suppose it would be a lot easier if God would just give us a list of our strengths and weaknesses. Or a checklist of jobs that would be good for us. But where would the fun be in that??? And how would we learn anything about ourselves? Life is all about taking chances, trying new things, stepping outside our box. And with that we find somethings are not meant for us - like building model ships. I can cross that one off my list. So glad that I had the opportunity to find something that I do have the patience for. I may pray daily that God continues to give me that patience as needed - but it seems to come naturally when I am doing something I love. And I do love my job.
In October I started working as a Special Education para. I was moved to 4 different positions in three months before I was officially hired. I discovered there were some kids that I could handle and some that I had no patience for. There are certain behaviors that I struggle with accepting. I am constantly reminding myself that everyone is different and that society has changed so much since I was growing up that kids have a lot more to deal with. But some things still can't be excused.
I am currently working with 2 autistic boys. Yes they can be challenging at times. And absolutely delightful at other times. I am learning what triggers a meltdown and what I can use as a reward. We have our share of good and bad days - and yet the good days are coming more frequently. I am physically exhausted most days - we tend to be on the go a lot. But I find that I really am happy when I am working. I have found a job that I really enjoy - there is never a dull moment that's for sure.
A few people have made that comment that it takes a special person with a lot of patience to do my job. I agree. But why do I have patience to deal with kicking, screaming, running, defiance, anger,etc, --coming from a 6 year old - but I can't sit for an hour and paint and assemble a wooden model ship??? Why? Because God knows where He wants me and what I need to do His work. I don't see how anyone will benefit from me putting together a model ship. But the ability to work with a student through a meltdown and help them regroup afterwards -or to help them navigate a mainstream class - that has it's rewards for both of us.
I suppose it would be a lot easier if God would just give us a list of our strengths and weaknesses. Or a checklist of jobs that would be good for us. But where would the fun be in that??? And how would we learn anything about ourselves? Life is all about taking chances, trying new things, stepping outside our box. And with that we find somethings are not meant for us - like building model ships. I can cross that one off my list. So glad that I had the opportunity to find something that I do have the patience for. I may pray daily that God continues to give me that patience as needed - but it seems to come naturally when I am doing something I love. And I do love my job.
Monday, September 24, 2012
Shari's Great Escape
Every once in a while I joke that I am heading off to my great escape - meaning the health club. Almost every morning I get up and head there for my workout. Today I wondered as I was walking in, why do I call it my escape? Am I really running from all my problems? How can a health club solve my issues?
Since July of 2010, I have made an effort to put in a good workout each day at the health club. There are times when I am not able to go - vacations, other exercise commitments, club closing, etc. Even on my bike days I stop in and swipe my card and use the health club as my starting point. During these past two years, I have set several challenges for myself - and accomplished them. Many of those were just relatively simple workout challenges but things that I had never done before and really couldn't have imagined myself ever doing. The health club has allowed me to try different machines, develop different workouts, meet some new people and reconnect with some old friends. So in that regard it isn't really an escape - I am not running away from problems, I am finding challenges, encouragement and accomplishments. But I still call it my escape.
Perhaps I refer to the club as my "sanctuary". I find there are times where sitting quietly in a church sanctuary in prayer and reflection are appropriate for whatever I may be dealing with. But that isn't always an option. God has given me another sanctuary to use. There are many mornings where I feel like I haven't slept well, I am exhausted and would love to crawl back into bed. But life doesn't necessarily allow for that. There are kids to get to school, housework to be done, greeting cards to be merchandised, lunchrooms to be supervised, church meals to be prepared, etc. So I get up and I head to the club. How I manage to get there some mornings surprises even me. But there is part of me that knows once I get there I will feel that energy to get going with my workout and I know that by the end I will feel that endorphin rush - my reward for pushing my body with a great physical challenge.
I also know that once I have my headphones in, no one will bother me. There is a certain unspoken rule at the club (as I understand it) that headphones mean please leave me alone while I am working out. And it seems to work. I have yet to have someone get on the machine next to me and start yakking away. It does seem odd that in the midst of a hundred people working out, I can feel completely alone at the club - and sometimes that is a wonderful thing.
For me the club offers the "escape" from being needed. There are no children demanding my supervision. There are no baskets of laundry demanding to be folded and put away. There is no timer set for supper. There are no PTO obligations. There is no work time clock. There is no one asking for my input or my opinion. I am nobody at the club - just the gal in the Annie t-shirt who shows up every morning and kicks her own butt. I can be invisible. And that is something that I need.
I know that God uses me in so many ways and honestly I LOVE that. I want Him to use me and to let me serve Him as much as I can. I really do enjoy cooking and baking and giving that to others. Or preparing the church dinner each week. Or making popcorn for 100 people at movie night at school. This is part of who I am. But I also need balance in my life. I need my down time -which used to consist of snacking on the couch and vegging in front of the television for hours on end. My daily workouts provide me with a dedicated time to talk to God,a chance to improve my physical fitness and give my mental and emotional side an opportunity to refocus and let some stuff go. I am so blessed to have my down time serve not only as a mental benefit - but physical and spiritual as well.
Once again this morning I headed off to my great escape with a head full of worrisome problems and a heavy heart -trying to make the right decisions regarding my life. Headphones in, music on, isolated on a treadmill in a sea of others and prayers went up. During my workout things start to work their way out, clarity sets in and I feel that sense of peace that God so graciously grants me. I have given my stresses to God and He has given me some time to just be - alone, calm and at peace.
My great escape is not me running away from my problems as I once thought - but rather me running to the sanctuary that God has given me to help me with my problems. So what is your Great Escape?
Since July of 2010, I have made an effort to put in a good workout each day at the health club. There are times when I am not able to go - vacations, other exercise commitments, club closing, etc. Even on my bike days I stop in and swipe my card and use the health club as my starting point. During these past two years, I have set several challenges for myself - and accomplished them. Many of those were just relatively simple workout challenges but things that I had never done before and really couldn't have imagined myself ever doing. The health club has allowed me to try different machines, develop different workouts, meet some new people and reconnect with some old friends. So in that regard it isn't really an escape - I am not running away from problems, I am finding challenges, encouragement and accomplishments. But I still call it my escape.
Perhaps I refer to the club as my "sanctuary". I find there are times where sitting quietly in a church sanctuary in prayer and reflection are appropriate for whatever I may be dealing with. But that isn't always an option. God has given me another sanctuary to use. There are many mornings where I feel like I haven't slept well, I am exhausted and would love to crawl back into bed. But life doesn't necessarily allow for that. There are kids to get to school, housework to be done, greeting cards to be merchandised, lunchrooms to be supervised, church meals to be prepared, etc. So I get up and I head to the club. How I manage to get there some mornings surprises even me. But there is part of me that knows once I get there I will feel that energy to get going with my workout and I know that by the end I will feel that endorphin rush - my reward for pushing my body with a great physical challenge.
I also know that once I have my headphones in, no one will bother me. There is a certain unspoken rule at the club (as I understand it) that headphones mean please leave me alone while I am working out. And it seems to work. I have yet to have someone get on the machine next to me and start yakking away. It does seem odd that in the midst of a hundred people working out, I can feel completely alone at the club - and sometimes that is a wonderful thing.
For me the club offers the "escape" from being needed. There are no children demanding my supervision. There are no baskets of laundry demanding to be folded and put away. There is no timer set for supper. There are no PTO obligations. There is no work time clock. There is no one asking for my input or my opinion. I am nobody at the club - just the gal in the Annie t-shirt who shows up every morning and kicks her own butt. I can be invisible. And that is something that I need.
I know that God uses me in so many ways and honestly I LOVE that. I want Him to use me and to let me serve Him as much as I can. I really do enjoy cooking and baking and giving that to others. Or preparing the church dinner each week. Or making popcorn for 100 people at movie night at school. This is part of who I am. But I also need balance in my life. I need my down time -which used to consist of snacking on the couch and vegging in front of the television for hours on end. My daily workouts provide me with a dedicated time to talk to God,a chance to improve my physical fitness and give my mental and emotional side an opportunity to refocus and let some stuff go. I am so blessed to have my down time serve not only as a mental benefit - but physical and spiritual as well.
Once again this morning I headed off to my great escape with a head full of worrisome problems and a heavy heart -trying to make the right decisions regarding my life. Headphones in, music on, isolated on a treadmill in a sea of others and prayers went up. During my workout things start to work their way out, clarity sets in and I feel that sense of peace that God so graciously grants me. I have given my stresses to God and He has given me some time to just be - alone, calm and at peace.
My great escape is not me running away from my problems as I once thought - but rather me running to the sanctuary that God has given me to help me with my problems. So what is your Great Escape?
Monday, September 10, 2012
Where's my billboard??
That's right - I want a billboard just for me. It seems that I need God to throw a billboard up right in front of me to let me know what He wants me to do with my life right now. I feel that I am somewhat incapable of making any decisions at the moment.
My husband and I have been talking about replacing our vehicles. I have a 14 year old Stratus - great little car but won't pull a camper. His Tahoe has seen better days and he commutes to work so the cost of gas is an issue. My dream may come true soon - an F150 Crew Cab, short box!! Perfect for towing the camper. But to make that dream happen --- I need to find a "real job". Not that I haven't been working - but all the jobs I have had in the last few years are very very part time or substitute jobs - no real regular hours. Honestly I feel so blessed that I have been able to work these jobs while staying home to raise my kids. And God has provided these jobs when they were needed - to boost the income a little or give me some sanity. But nothing I am doing right now will cover the cost of my truck.
So here I am looking for a job with more hours or better pay and I am stressing over everything else in my life. I don't mind working but I love it when I am in control of when I work. Part of that is that I also LOVE to volunteer and find that doing that brings me more joy than working. But it doesn't pay the bills. I have rationalized over the past few years that God has given me the opportunity to volunteer because so many parents can't and so I can fill that void at the schools. I am a giver and giving of my time and compassion is so rewarding - the thought of losing that saddens me. If I am working 30 hours a week, will I still have time for a volunteer outlet that makes me happy?? Probably not.
I also worry about how our household will hold up. I know that there are millions of working women who can still maintain a decent home life - I however struggle to get my son to put his dirty socks down the chute on a daily basis. I wonder if my children are ready to step up to the plate and help out more with the household duties - and without having to be reminded several times. When my husband went to nights and I moved my workouts to the early morning, we lost that Saturday cleaning day routine and it really has been a struggle to find any type of routine. I seem to hope that some solution will magically present itself on the cleaning front but it hasn't happened yet.
One of my other concerns is I wonder if I can really do the day in day out work routine. I left my last regular part time job 11 1/2 years ago. I had that job for 12 years and loved it. But I also didn't have 3 other people that depended on me. Will I be able to balance work and workouts and church and extracurricular activities? Will I be able to keep my sanity? Will I still be a good wife and mother at home and a good employee and coworker at my new job?
Funny thing is - I have only applied for one job so far and I am stressing over every detail and all the what - ifs. So tonight I tried to reign in that worry and give it to God. I had an MRI tonight and spent 30 minutes in the tube. I found that it was the perfect opportunity to talk to God about my worries, concerns and to work on some solutions. First we had to deal with my claustrophobia and force myself to keep my eyes shut so I wouldn't freak out. So strange how I can take off on my bike for 85 miles and not have a care in the world but put me in an MRI tube and my brain freaks out. I made it thru and came out feeling somewhat better about my situation.
First thing - I need to apply for a few more jobs. I need to stop worrying about the what-ifs and let God help me when a problem or concern really does arise. I also need to stop being such a chicken about change. Change is good. Time to step out of my comfort zone. The kids are getting older and they can shoulder some more responsibility. My house is going to have a great "lived in" look for a while. I have proven to myself that I have the discipline to get up early for my workouts and I can continue to do that - and if needed I can change the time as well - but I will not give up my "ME" time. I have had a good run of volunteer opportunities and who can say that another great one won't show up.
So here I am trying to let go of all my worries, fears, concerns and most of all - my control. I am still amazed that along my NEW journey I am so much more aware of little signs from God that lead me to pray for others or act to help them but when it comes to my own life I must be the densest person. So I am sending up prayers to God for some direction. I still think it would just be a lot simpler for Him just to set up that big billboard with His plans for me!!
My husband and I have been talking about replacing our vehicles. I have a 14 year old Stratus - great little car but won't pull a camper. His Tahoe has seen better days and he commutes to work so the cost of gas is an issue. My dream may come true soon - an F150 Crew Cab, short box!! Perfect for towing the camper. But to make that dream happen --- I need to find a "real job". Not that I haven't been working - but all the jobs I have had in the last few years are very very part time or substitute jobs - no real regular hours. Honestly I feel so blessed that I have been able to work these jobs while staying home to raise my kids. And God has provided these jobs when they were needed - to boost the income a little or give me some sanity. But nothing I am doing right now will cover the cost of my truck.
So here I am looking for a job with more hours or better pay and I am stressing over everything else in my life. I don't mind working but I love it when I am in control of when I work. Part of that is that I also LOVE to volunteer and find that doing that brings me more joy than working. But it doesn't pay the bills. I have rationalized over the past few years that God has given me the opportunity to volunteer because so many parents can't and so I can fill that void at the schools. I am a giver and giving of my time and compassion is so rewarding - the thought of losing that saddens me. If I am working 30 hours a week, will I still have time for a volunteer outlet that makes me happy?? Probably not.
I also worry about how our household will hold up. I know that there are millions of working women who can still maintain a decent home life - I however struggle to get my son to put his dirty socks down the chute on a daily basis. I wonder if my children are ready to step up to the plate and help out more with the household duties - and without having to be reminded several times. When my husband went to nights and I moved my workouts to the early morning, we lost that Saturday cleaning day routine and it really has been a struggle to find any type of routine. I seem to hope that some solution will magically present itself on the cleaning front but it hasn't happened yet.
One of my other concerns is I wonder if I can really do the day in day out work routine. I left my last regular part time job 11 1/2 years ago. I had that job for 12 years and loved it. But I also didn't have 3 other people that depended on me. Will I be able to balance work and workouts and church and extracurricular activities? Will I be able to keep my sanity? Will I still be a good wife and mother at home and a good employee and coworker at my new job?
Funny thing is - I have only applied for one job so far and I am stressing over every detail and all the what - ifs. So tonight I tried to reign in that worry and give it to God. I had an MRI tonight and spent 30 minutes in the tube. I found that it was the perfect opportunity to talk to God about my worries, concerns and to work on some solutions. First we had to deal with my claustrophobia and force myself to keep my eyes shut so I wouldn't freak out. So strange how I can take off on my bike for 85 miles and not have a care in the world but put me in an MRI tube and my brain freaks out. I made it thru and came out feeling somewhat better about my situation.
First thing - I need to apply for a few more jobs. I need to stop worrying about the what-ifs and let God help me when a problem or concern really does arise. I also need to stop being such a chicken about change. Change is good. Time to step out of my comfort zone. The kids are getting older and they can shoulder some more responsibility. My house is going to have a great "lived in" look for a while. I have proven to myself that I have the discipline to get up early for my workouts and I can continue to do that - and if needed I can change the time as well - but I will not give up my "ME" time. I have had a good run of volunteer opportunities and who can say that another great one won't show up.
So here I am trying to let go of all my worries, fears, concerns and most of all - my control. I am still amazed that along my NEW journey I am so much more aware of little signs from God that lead me to pray for others or act to help them but when it comes to my own life I must be the densest person. So I am sending up prayers to God for some direction. I still think it would just be a lot simpler for Him just to set up that big billboard with His plans for me!!
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
No Coke! Pepsi!--Ah, but No Pepsi either!
I gave up pop/soda - again. I am always amazed how I can give it up and be fine
and then it kind of creeps back in - and then there I am, slurping it down like
it's going out of style. This time around, it doesn't even taste good, but I
LOVE the carbonation - especially on a hot summer day. And nothing seems go to
better with a little spiced rum then a cold Coke.
On a previous cola withdrawl, I gave up Diet Coke - my liquid of life. I used to pop a can as soon as I got out of bed - it was my coffee. And it was diet, so I could drink as much as I wanted - or so I thought. But I never felt good. My stomach would bother me often and my acid reflux was flared up all the time. I had no energy, was overweight and bloated (although I didn't realize that until I gave it up.) So I decided to quit drinking pop. I did great for 2 months, dropped about 5 pounds and started feeling better. But then out with friends and ordered a Coke - it just sounded good. And that was it - back down that road. Only this time I told myself to drink regular Coke so that my body could process the sugar and I would be more aware of the calories. Sounded great. 1 can a day.
I don't know who I thought I was kidding. With the heat this summer, my limit has expanded itself. Honestly it still doesn't taste good - I am addicted to the carbonation I think. Love the cold bubbles on a hot day. Looking back over the summer, I realize that although I have worked my butt off biking and at the gym, chugging a can or two of Coke a day has not helped me one bit.
So here we are - 44 hours in. I told my daughter she had to watch me as we were home all day cleaning. After lunch is when I love to grab a can. So far so good though. Lots of water and unsweetened ice tea. I think this time around I can be successful. I know what I am in for. I know what my pitfalls are. I watched Extreme Makeover Weight Loss edition the other night and saw how much sugar that gal consumed in her pop and it was a huge turnoff.
And as happens so often along my NEW journey, I find myself questioning my behavior. Why am I addicted to pop? Of course I am so glad that I am not addicted to anything worse - but what is it in me that craves those bubbles??? I also wonder why I can push myself to try new workouts and dedicate myself to working out every day but I can't resist a can of pop. Why is that my weakness?? I am sure there is a reason - and honestly only God knows - but I would love to know why and how it figures into His plan for my life.
I am continually amazed at how many things have changed for the good on my NEW journey. I have always loved vegetables but not always made the concious effort to prepare them for my meal. These days we eat a lot of fresh produce from our garden - I love that. The kids and I DO NOT whip thru McDonalds drive thru every Sunday after church anymore. We come home and fix lunch. Chips (another weakness) are only purchased for special occasions and fruits and nuts are the snacks of choice these day. I feel that I am on the right track. I just have to stay that way.
I will admit that I am still frustrated with my lack of dramatic weight loss. It is coming - slowly but surely - I just wish it was a little faster. I realize that I didn't put it all on overnight so I can't expect it to come off that quickly either. But I would so love to be in the next size down with the next month. And I have told myself that I will be. I have spent the last 4 days coming up with new workouts to SHAKE things up again and hopefully jump start that weight loss. I spent a lot of time biking this summer - which is incredible - almost 1000 miles since May. But it has become a routine exercise - yes my route changes and there are hills and other challenges but it isn't using my body very differently each time. So this weekend was about new weightlifting routines, more interval training and a lot more focus on what I was doing and why. I called it my own personal training session - and I didn't have to pay for it because it was me. I was drawing on the things I have read or seen and am starting to incorporate them into my new routines.
I am still using my workout times as my prime prayer time. My spiritual life continues to grow. I do feel more aware as to how God is using me in others lives although I still have to pray for some clear direction from time to time. He is an AWESOME God and I am so thankful to have realized how redirecting my focus to Him and His plan for me has helped on this journey.
44 hours and counting...... time to chug another glass of water and say that little prayer for the willpower to resist.
On a previous cola withdrawl, I gave up Diet Coke - my liquid of life. I used to pop a can as soon as I got out of bed - it was my coffee. And it was diet, so I could drink as much as I wanted - or so I thought. But I never felt good. My stomach would bother me often and my acid reflux was flared up all the time. I had no energy, was overweight and bloated (although I didn't realize that until I gave it up.) So I decided to quit drinking pop. I did great for 2 months, dropped about 5 pounds and started feeling better. But then out with friends and ordered a Coke - it just sounded good. And that was it - back down that road. Only this time I told myself to drink regular Coke so that my body could process the sugar and I would be more aware of the calories. Sounded great. 1 can a day.
I don't know who I thought I was kidding. With the heat this summer, my limit has expanded itself. Honestly it still doesn't taste good - I am addicted to the carbonation I think. Love the cold bubbles on a hot day. Looking back over the summer, I realize that although I have worked my butt off biking and at the gym, chugging a can or two of Coke a day has not helped me one bit.
So here we are - 44 hours in. I told my daughter she had to watch me as we were home all day cleaning. After lunch is when I love to grab a can. So far so good though. Lots of water and unsweetened ice tea. I think this time around I can be successful. I know what I am in for. I know what my pitfalls are. I watched Extreme Makeover Weight Loss edition the other night and saw how much sugar that gal consumed in her pop and it was a huge turnoff.
And as happens so often along my NEW journey, I find myself questioning my behavior. Why am I addicted to pop? Of course I am so glad that I am not addicted to anything worse - but what is it in me that craves those bubbles??? I also wonder why I can push myself to try new workouts and dedicate myself to working out every day but I can't resist a can of pop. Why is that my weakness?? I am sure there is a reason - and honestly only God knows - but I would love to know why and how it figures into His plan for my life.
I am continually amazed at how many things have changed for the good on my NEW journey. I have always loved vegetables but not always made the concious effort to prepare them for my meal. These days we eat a lot of fresh produce from our garden - I love that. The kids and I DO NOT whip thru McDonalds drive thru every Sunday after church anymore. We come home and fix lunch. Chips (another weakness) are only purchased for special occasions and fruits and nuts are the snacks of choice these day. I feel that I am on the right track. I just have to stay that way.
I will admit that I am still frustrated with my lack of dramatic weight loss. It is coming - slowly but surely - I just wish it was a little faster. I realize that I didn't put it all on overnight so I can't expect it to come off that quickly either. But I would so love to be in the next size down with the next month. And I have told myself that I will be. I have spent the last 4 days coming up with new workouts to SHAKE things up again and hopefully jump start that weight loss. I spent a lot of time biking this summer - which is incredible - almost 1000 miles since May. But it has become a routine exercise - yes my route changes and there are hills and other challenges but it isn't using my body very differently each time. So this weekend was about new weightlifting routines, more interval training and a lot more focus on what I was doing and why. I called it my own personal training session - and I didn't have to pay for it because it was me. I was drawing on the things I have read or seen and am starting to incorporate them into my new routines.
I am still using my workout times as my prime prayer time. My spiritual life continues to grow. I do feel more aware as to how God is using me in others lives although I still have to pray for some clear direction from time to time. He is an AWESOME God and I am so thankful to have realized how redirecting my focus to Him and His plan for me has helped on this journey.
44 hours and counting...... time to chug another glass of water and say that little prayer for the willpower to resist.
Monday, July 23, 2012
3 Day Funk
The end of a challenge has come and gone. And in it's place was another 3 day funk. A little depression, mild mood swings and the feeling that nothing is going right. Not the first time I have had one of these "3 day funks" but I think I have finally figured out why I go through them.
From June 30th through July 16th I participated in a Tour de France challenge. I managed to bike 546 miles in 16 rides. I had to push myself mentally and physically every day to get out there and ride in the heat and humidity. I love riding so that wasn't so much of an issue. But I don't ride every day. I make excuses - it's too hot, I'm too tired, I don't have the time. I also don't do 24 miles every day. I like doing longer rides once a week or so - not every day. So I took on the challenge and pushed even harder. I finished my challenge with 6 days to spare. Woohoo for me.
And that is when my problem began. The day after I finished, I felt unmotivated, listless, and unsure of what to do with myself. Of course I didn't really realize I was in a funk. I was too wrapped up in my bad mood to understand what was going on. And I know I wasn't taking the time to give to it God - or wait for Him to work in me.
I really don't like how I feel when I am in this mood. It bothers me that I let myself be dragged down by negative thoughts and feelings. This time though I finally realized what it was. My challenge was over. I was depressed that I had nothing to work for. I suppose others feel this way when they finish a performance that they have work hard preparing for. For two weeks I focused so hard on my challenge and then it was done. What motivation did I have to get up and ride? None. I almost felt lost with something to work for. Yes life goes on and I don't need to constantly be challenged - with a fitness activity - to survive. But a big part of my NEW Shari journey has been setting challenges for myself and trying my hardest to complete those challenges. And looking back - I have gone through a "3 day funk" after most of them.
This weekend I finally took the time to sit down and think about it. I also spent a lot of time in prayer. Asking God to help me figure out what my issue was /is and how to remedy it. And then I spent some time just waiting. I had two great workouts this weekend at the health club where I allowed God to in a sense turn off my brain and give me a break from all my post challenge thoughts. I was just able to focus on my workout and pushing my body. It was wonderful. I struggle much of the time with turning off my thoughts and not worrying about things in my life. To have an hour or two free from those thoughts and worries was such a new feeling and enjoyable.
I truly believe that God uses my "funks" to speak to me. It just seems to take me a while to listen. When my bad mood starts I don't always remember to give it to Him. But eventually I come back around and it seems that things are revealed. A good friend gave me a CD for my birthday. The artist is Mandisa. She has a song called "God Speaking" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zZI2gOBvBHk. While listening today, I realized how much God does speak to me and how much better I am at listening. I have noticed along my journey that things that I used to brush off as coincidence (if I was aware of them at all) - seem to be God's way of getting my attention so that He can use me. Names pop out at me on my rides - and I realize I should be praying for that person. I see something on my rides that gives me a feeling about something else and I take action. It is amazing how many times I have found out that my prayers were answered or that the action I took was what that person felt they needed at that moment.
I am hopeful that now that I realize what triggers the 3 day funk on my end - the end of a challenge - that I will be better prepared to work through them. And I hope that God continues to work in me each time and will continue to use me as He wishes. There will be more challenges - that is such a big part of my NEW Shari journey - but each one that I finish brings me another step closer to becoming the person that God wants me to be. And each 3 day funk is part of that process.
From June 30th through July 16th I participated in a Tour de France challenge. I managed to bike 546 miles in 16 rides. I had to push myself mentally and physically every day to get out there and ride in the heat and humidity. I love riding so that wasn't so much of an issue. But I don't ride every day. I make excuses - it's too hot, I'm too tired, I don't have the time. I also don't do 24 miles every day. I like doing longer rides once a week or so - not every day. So I took on the challenge and pushed even harder. I finished my challenge with 6 days to spare. Woohoo for me.
And that is when my problem began. The day after I finished, I felt unmotivated, listless, and unsure of what to do with myself. Of course I didn't really realize I was in a funk. I was too wrapped up in my bad mood to understand what was going on. And I know I wasn't taking the time to give to it God - or wait for Him to work in me.
I really don't like how I feel when I am in this mood. It bothers me that I let myself be dragged down by negative thoughts and feelings. This time though I finally realized what it was. My challenge was over. I was depressed that I had nothing to work for. I suppose others feel this way when they finish a performance that they have work hard preparing for. For two weeks I focused so hard on my challenge and then it was done. What motivation did I have to get up and ride? None. I almost felt lost with something to work for. Yes life goes on and I don't need to constantly be challenged - with a fitness activity - to survive. But a big part of my NEW Shari journey has been setting challenges for myself and trying my hardest to complete those challenges. And looking back - I have gone through a "3 day funk" after most of them.
This weekend I finally took the time to sit down and think about it. I also spent a lot of time in prayer. Asking God to help me figure out what my issue was /is and how to remedy it. And then I spent some time just waiting. I had two great workouts this weekend at the health club where I allowed God to in a sense turn off my brain and give me a break from all my post challenge thoughts. I was just able to focus on my workout and pushing my body. It was wonderful. I struggle much of the time with turning off my thoughts and not worrying about things in my life. To have an hour or two free from those thoughts and worries was such a new feeling and enjoyable.
I truly believe that God uses my "funks" to speak to me. It just seems to take me a while to listen. When my bad mood starts I don't always remember to give it to Him. But eventually I come back around and it seems that things are revealed. A good friend gave me a CD for my birthday. The artist is Mandisa. She has a song called "God Speaking" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zZI2gOBvBHk. While listening today, I realized how much God does speak to me and how much better I am at listening. I have noticed along my journey that things that I used to brush off as coincidence (if I was aware of them at all) - seem to be God's way of getting my attention so that He can use me. Names pop out at me on my rides - and I realize I should be praying for that person. I see something on my rides that gives me a feeling about something else and I take action. It is amazing how many times I have found out that my prayers were answered or that the action I took was what that person felt they needed at that moment.
I am hopeful that now that I realize what triggers the 3 day funk on my end - the end of a challenge - that I will be better prepared to work through them. And I hope that God continues to work in me each time and will continue to use me as He wishes. There will be more challenges - that is such a big part of my NEW Shari journey - but each one that I finish brings me another step closer to becoming the person that God wants me to be. And each 3 day funk is part of that process.
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